


Healing Under the Midnight Sun

by Donovanspen



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Canon-Typical Violence, Case Fic, Community: deancasbigbang, Dean/Cas Big Bang Challenge 2013, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Episode: s08e23 Sacrifice, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-08
Updated: 2013-10-08
Packaged: 2017-12-28 20:42:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 33,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/996455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donovanspen/pseuds/Donovanspen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the aborted trials and the angels had been cast out of Heaven, Dean had his hands full with his recovering brother and an elusive former angel.  So when Sam tells him that a person they had once saved was now in danger, Dean didn't feel as if they were in any condition to go on a hunt.  But at Sam's insistence, the three of them try to pull themselves together and head to the Alaskan wilderness.</p><p>Art Masterpost - http://odysseaia.livejournal.com</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to shadesofblurple for being such an awesome alpha, beta, and overall cheerleader!! And to odysseaia for all the wonderful enthusiasm that kept me going.

Dean rolled over and glanced at the alarm clock. 7am. It was more than he had expected after a mostly restless night. Wiping the sleep from his eyes, he sat up, trying to shrug off the sluggishness that weighed him down. Getting out of bed and facing his reality was getting harder and harder with each passing day, but sleeping certainly didn’t offer a restful respite. On the contrary, every night was plagued with nightmares, graphic reminders of the struggles he faced anew with each sunrise.

He forced himself to get up and get dressed. It was early enough that Sam should still be asleep, and late enough that Cas would have slunk off to his own space. Dean was refusing to call it his room. He refused to allow himself to believe that Cas was going to stick around long enough to claim ownership of any space within the bunker. He was here now only because he had no other choice. Metatron had kicked them all out of the nest and wasn’t letting anyone back in. Without his grace, Cas had sought them out. Dean didn’t allow himself the luxury of thinking that Cas came for any other reason than it being a strategic move. He was out of options and needed help. It was the same old story.

But that was neither here nor there. Yes, Heaven had to be fixed and they were going to do it regardless of whether Cas was there or not. But he wouldn’t make the same mistake again. No, right now his brother needed whatever attention he could spare. Cas would be fine on his own. He always was.

He was on his way to the kitchen when he heard the sound of someone moving around the main room. Glancing in, he was not pleased to see Sam sitting at the table, laptop up and running and papers strewn across the table.

“Why are you up so early? You should be resting.”

Sam let out a soft sigh and leaned back in his chair. “I’m fine.”

“Yeah, sure. How long did you sleep last night?”

“Dean, I slept plenty. I’m tired of sleeping. I’m starting to go a little crazy from all this rest.” Sam picked up a pen and began tapping it against his notepad, his eyes straying over a few of the papers.

He noticed that his brother didn’t answer the question as to how much sleep he got, but he let it slide for now. “So, what’s so important that you’re giving up sleep for it?”

“I’m not giving up sleep, Dean. If anything, I’m resting too much. I need to get up and do something. I actually feel better when I’m moving around.”

“Have you eaten anything?”

“Um, yeah,” Sam answered, once again distracted by whatever was in front of him. “The coffee’s fresh, and there’s some scrambled eggs left in there for you. There’s also some cut up fruit in a bowl in the fridge as well.”

“You made all that?” Dean asked with an arched brow. It wasn’t much, but Sam was usually content to let him do the majority of the cooking.

“Just the eggs. Cas fixed the fruit.”

Dean nodded and strolled into the kitchen for a cup of coffee. Cas would usually do small things around the bunker in a bid to be helpful, fixing what simple foods he could and leaving them for Dean and Sam to find the next morning, or washing dishes and sweeping up. Simple tasks. He wasn’t ready to think about what it meant, so he just didn’t think about it. He poured himself a cup of coffee and grabbed the plate of scrambled eggs, ignored the fruit, and headed back out to Sam.

“So, what is all this?” he gestured with his fork before spearing a bite of the eggs.

“I’ve been going back and checking up on everyone that we’ve saved.”

Dean forced himself to swallow the bite in his mouth even though he could no longer appreciate the taste. “Why? Sam, we can’t go back and change anything. There’s no point in dwelling on what’s already happened. That’s on Crowley, not us.”

“But we can’t just wash our hands of everything. We may have saved their lives, but that means they’re linked to us. Like it or not, but we’re responsible for them. We don’t have a great track record, and I don’t want any more blood on our hands.”

“It’s not on ours. It’s on Crowley’s,” Dean ground out, dropping his fork and pushing the plate away. “We got put in these shit positions, and there isn’t a perfect answer, Sam. We do the best we can.”

“I know, and that’s what I’m doing. I know we can’t change what’s happened, but what if Crowley set some things in motion before we got the jump on him? I know it’s been almost a month since Crowley’s last victim, but I had to go back and check because if there’s a chance that something was going down, and we didn’t do anything about it? That’s on us, Dean.”

Dean sighed, knowing that his brother was right, even though he wished that Sam hadn’t taken this on himself when he was still healing from the aborted trials. But Sam had that look that very clearly said that he felt strongly about what he was doing.

“Ok. What have you found?”

“So far everyone is good, except for one. I can’t tell if this is Crowley’s doing or if she just has bad luck.”

“Who is it?”

“Do you remember Chloe Armstrong?” Sam asked. “Demon attack in Oregon about five years back? It was just her, her dad, and her brother. You got a little friendly with her after the case was over?”

“I remember,” Dean replied, recalling soft kisses and tender touches. “So something else is after her?”

“Looks like. The family moved, but I’m seeing reports of a wild animal attacking people. Could be a werewolf.”

“Or could be a wild animal,” Dean suggested.

“Or a hellhound,” Sam countered.

“That doesn’t even make sense,” Dean argued after a minute. “Nobody would have been able to see a hellhound, and it’s been over a month since all this other stuff went down. And if it was a hellhound, it wouldn’t just hang out attacking random people. It would have gone after the family. What about the dad and brother?”

“Her dad died a few years back, and I don’t see anything about Tim being killed. But even if it is a totally unrelated incident, we can’t just walk away. If we knew for sure it was actually Crowley, we would do this in a heartbeat. But since it may not be, we’re just going to leave them to the mercy of whatever is out there?”

“Why can’t Garth call someone in? What about what we have going on here?” He wasn’t lying when he told Sam that they now knew enough to change the tide of their never-ending battle with demons, but the deck certainly wasn’t stacked in their favor. Not with Abaddon and Crowley both missing and Heaven currently being all kinds of jacked up. And once again, it was on them to find a solution.

“What exactly is going on here, Dean? Kevin is pissed and in the wind. We can’t do anything with the tablets until he comes back, if he comes back. We’re searching through everything here, looking for something but so far nothing. There’s nothing we can do for the angels right now. From everything that Charlie and I found, the world just thinks that they’re regular people who were affected by that freak meteor shower. So what then? We’re just supposed to sit in here, looking for clues and telling the rest of the world tough, we’re waiting on a breakthrough?”

Dean stopped himself before he could remind Sam of the bigger picture. There was a time when every person counted, and he wondered when he had forgotten that simple principle.

“Look, I know the timing sucks,” Sam continued, “but you’re the one who taught me to break the big problems into small ones that we can handle. I know that Crowley is the one who pulled the trigger, but if we just sit back, then this will haunt me.”

Dean studied his brother, hearing what Sam wasn’t saying. It really wasn’t that long ago that he had been able to walk away from the lifestyle altogether, and now he was throwing himself back out there, determined to save as many as he could, willing to sacrifice himself. He could admit that physically, Sam did look better- not one hundred percent, but definitely better. However, emotionally, his brother had a long way to go.

“Tell you what, I’ll go. You stay and see if you can’t find something here.”

“No,” Sam shook his head. “We do this together.”

“Sammy,” Dean sighed. “I get where you’re coming from. I really do, and I’m on board, ok? But not at your expense. It’s only been three weeks. Your body has been through hell, and I’m sorry, but I don’t think you’re up for a hunt.”

“You may be right,” Sam answered with a shrug. “But I’ll have you and Cas to back me up.”

Son of a bitch. He should have seen that one coming. “No way. If I don’t want to take you out, then there’s no way in hell that I’m taking him out. He’s worse off than you are.”

“How do you know? When’s the last time you laid eyes on him, Dean?”

“Hey, I go to bed and get up the same time I do every day. If he wants to slink and hide in the shadows, that’s on him. I’m right here.” True, he hadn’t given Cas the most welcoming reception, but he was entitled to his anger. If Cas truly cared, then he could get over himself and seek Dean out. He was here, just like he always was, and if Cas would start to recognize that, maybe they wouldn’t have so many problems.

“We need him.”

“We can find a way to fix this without him. We usually do.”

“Ok, that’s not what I meant. Dean, however we end up fixing this, Cas is going to play a part. It’s Heaven and angels. I’m pretty sure that there isn’t a way to fix this without him.”

“Fine. We’ll call him off the bench when we need him.”

“He made a mistake, Dean, but he’s still Cas. I don’t think we should be shutting him out.”

Dean shook his head, not wanting to even have this conversation. They had enough on their plate already without adding more complications. And Cas certainly was a bundle of complications. With everything that had happened in the past year, he knew that the angel had to be reeling from Metatron’s betrayal, but he just couldn’t handle that right now.

“You don’t know what it’s like. You’ve never broken the world,” Sam told him quietly.

“Don’t give me that, Sam. I broke the first seal.”

“And then gave everything you had to lock it down. I’m the one that trusted Ruby and opened the cage. That was on me.”

“And you fixed it. You made a mistake, and you fixed it.”

“Cas did the same thing.”

“No,” Dean countered with a shake of his head. “He made a deal with Crowley and then opened Purgatory and unleashed the Leviathans.”

“And he helped fix it.”

“Yeah, he did,” Dean agreed. “After, by his own admission, devastating Heaven. And now he’s charged in and done it again.”

“Supernatural being who’s centuries old. Makes sense that his problems might be a little bigger.”

Dean couldn’t help but let out a small huff of laughter. Leave it to Sam to break it down so simply. He wasn’t convinced, though. “Even if we take him on this hunt, it won’t change anything. It’s just the way he is. If he hasn’t changed after all the crap of the past two years, then one little hunt isn’t going to make a difference.”

“Then let’s cut him loose. There’s no reason for him to be here. Metatron didn’t kill him, and as far as we can tell, nothing is after him. You don’t trust him, doesn’t even sound like you like him.”

Dean bristled. He was sure Sam was just pushing him for a reaction, but the thought of cutting Cas loose didn’t sit well with him. “Nah, it’s better if he stays here so we can keep an eye on him. It’s when he goes off on his own that the trouble starts.”

“But we’re not keeping an eye on him. You haven’t laid eyes on him in how many days now? I know this place is huge, but it’s not so big that you and Cas should be able to avoid each other as much as you have. You have no clue what he’s thinking right now. He could be planning anything. But you’re right. He’s not doing so well.”

Dean had assumed as much, but it was still a hit to the gut to have Sam confirm it. “How so?” he asked, fiddling with the fork from his abandoned breakfast.

“He just comes across as rough. He’s not talking beyond the details he already gave of what happened, but there has to be more to it.”

“So, you think he’s lying again?” Dean’s stomach clenched at the thought, but it wasn’t the first time he’d considered that Cas wasn’t being truthful with them. It hurt to have Sam confirm his fears, though.

“No,” Sam answered slowly. “I think he told us exactly what happened, but this was personal. It has to be affecting him more than he’s letting on. I mean, the scribe of God told him how to fix Heaven, and after what Naomi did, he shouldn’t have believed her. I wouldn’t have. We trusted Metatron, too, but that has to really sting for Cas. The dude stole his grace and used him to cast them all out.”

“Exactly why we shouldn’t take him. He’s too unpredictable right now. He’s tough. He’ll figure this thing out, and leaving him here will give him some space to do it.” Dean pushed his own worry aside. Cas always bounced back. Yeah, he worried that one day Cas wouldn’t come back, yet he always did.

“Dean, I’m afraid that if we don’t start fixing this now, there isn’t going to be anything left of Cas by the time we figure out a solution. This isn’t like the last few times. This might be the straw that breaks him.”

So this hunt and Cas, this was Sam’s way of fixing what he could. And at this point, Dean really couldn’t say no because apparently, this had to happen for his brother to heal. And Sam was right. Sometimes all you could do was to break the bigger problems down into smaller, more manageable ones. And right now, Sam was all he could handle. And once they turned that corner, he could focus on getting back on even footing with Cas.

“All right. You win. Where are we going and when?” he asked, knowing that Sam had already laid it all out.

Sam ducked his head, but Dean still saw the small smile and couldn’t find it in himself to be annoyed. He’d missed his baby brother’s smile.

“Chloe’s father had a half-brother, and they moved in with him. They run a remote fishing lodge in Alaska.”

Dean was sure he hadn’t heard that last part. “Where?”

“Alaska,” Sam repeated. “They have a small place up along the Anvik River. I’ve already mapped everything out.”

Dean didn’t even know what to say. He bit back the words that he wanted to let fly as he thought about the small smile that Sam had just given, the first one Dean had seen in days. And as much as he hated the location, it really didn’t change anything.

“Fine,” he mumbled. “But you have to promise to be upfront with me about whatever’s going on with you.”

“Deal.”

He was rewarded with another little grin as Sam pushed the papers across the table towards him.


	2. Chapter 2

Cas took another deep breath, hoping to settle his racing pulse and the dizziness that was threatening to overtake him. It took several minutes for the room to stop spinning and for his stomach to unclench. It seemed that the attacks weren’t lasting as long but happening more frequently. He wiped the small beads of sweat from his brow and pushed himself up from where he’d been sitting on the side of his bed. Sometimes walking around helped to clear out the last of the cobwebs, but not so this time. The dizziness crashed over him, forcing him to drop back down onto the bed. Conceding defeat, he reclined back on the soft mattress, closing his eyes.

The nightmares were worse than the panic attacks, and the sensation of falling asleep and waking up were actually worse than the nightmares. It wasn’t his first time sleeping. He had suffered many trials throughout his long existence, yet he strongly suspected this might be the one from which he does not recover. He has tried to fight it, but the overwhelming sense of grief and loss weighed upon him in a way that his past transgressions didn’t. And considering the severity of his mistakes, he knew that he would not recover as easily from this one.

But he has accepted that he must try, at least long enough to fix the home that he might never see again. He can’t allow Dean and Sam to solely take responsibility for yet another one of his mistakes. He closed his eyes, bracing himself for that horrible sinking sensation, knowing that his body’s need for sleep would override his strong desire to not do so. He closed his eyes and immediately saw one of the images that he knew would be there -his brothers and sisters falling from the sky in flames. Whenever he tried to rest, his mind would cycle through the litany of mistakes that he’d made from working with Crowley to not trusting Dean.

He rolled over and tried to redirect his thoughts. He stared at the wall and wondered about the person who had once claimed this room. The bunker was a good place for the Winchesters, and he was glad that they had a safe haven and were gracious enough to include him.

He hadn’t known what the to expect when Dean had opened the door the night he had shown up at the bunker, cold, wet and exhausted. He’d braced himself for a punch to the face, or worse, the door slamming shut in his face, but Dean had simply stepped aside and let him enter. He told Cas that he could use the room he’d used previously and that he would check on him later. Dean was out of the room and down the hall before Cas could utter a sound. True to his word, Dean had returned later with some clothes for him to wear and a demand as to what the hell had happened. All he could utter was that Naomi was right and that was enough for Dean. He’d clenched his jaw and walked out of the room. Cas had called after him, asking to help with Sam or whatever only to be told he had done enough.

So, he’d spent the past two weeks doing his best to stay out of the way, while trying to be useful. He did what little chores he could, ones that didn’t require him asking for assistance. He ate just enough to get by, not wanting to be a drain on their resources, not that his sensitive digestive system would allow him to indulge much. He divided his remaining time between searching the archives for something useful and creating a resource journal for Sam and Dean.

He had learned during the first week just how much sleep he could get by with to function. He had also learned that he couldn’t fall asleep naturally but instead needed to get himself to near exhaustion before he could close his eyes and not be bombarded with images of all his past sins.

The library accumulated by the Men of Letters was quite extensive. Cas was sure that he might come across something useful even if it didn’t directly help with their current situation so he had started making a reference list of what he’d found. When he needed a break from that task, he turned to the blank journal he had found and began documenting everything he knew. His reasoning was two-fold. He wasn’t sure that his newly human status would allow him to retain his centuries of knowledge. And he was going to fix his home, even if he died trying. If he failed yet again, he wanted to leave Dean and Sam with something they could use.

Apparently, his body was not near exhaustion, as sleep was not coming easily; most likely, he was too keyed up from the earlier panic attack. He shuffled back over to the small desk and opened up the last book he’d been reading. He was three pages in when he heard a soft knock on the door.

He immediately ruled out Kevin. The young prophet had already been gone by the time he’d arrived, and as far as he knew, hadn’t been in contact. That left Sam or Dean. He’d like to believe that there was no reason for his apprehension, but he knew that his relationship with the hunters was quite unstable.

“Come in,” he called out when the knock sounded again. Seeing Sam enter settled some of his unease, but also stirred up a sadness that he had been trying to ignore.

The younger Winchester studied him for a moment before turning his eyes to glance around the room. He finally took a seat on the end of the bed, angling towards the desk. “How are you doing, Cas?”

“I’m fine,” he answered.

Sam gave him a look that said he clearly didn’t believe him, but he didn’t press the issue. “Ok, but you would tell us if you needed anything, right?”

“Of course. You seem well,” he commented, shifting the focus off himself. “I’ve been going through your archives but haven’t found anything yet. I assume you haven’t as well.”

“Nothing yet. Kevin hasn’t checked in. No signs of Crowley or Abbadon either.”

“And the angels?” Cas forced himself to ask when Sam didn’t continue. He had been operating on the principle of no news is good news, and if the brothers hadn’t stormed his door by now, he could only assume the situation was presently contained.

“Seems like the general consensus is a meteor shower, and the angels are people who were adversely affected by it. Charlie has been helping us track events, and the ones that are on radar seem to be under medical care. As for the others, they’re staying well hidden.”

Cas nodded, guilt causing him to drop his eyes. His brothers and sisters were all alone out there, while he, at least, had the comfort of being with friends.

“Well, um, if you’re feeling up to it, I wanted to ask you to join us on a case.”

“What kind of case?” he asked, surprised that they were even considering hunting right now.

“There’s something attacking people in this remote area of Alaska. It’s near someone we’d saved a few years back, and we want to make sure it’s not tied to us and the trials.”

“Crowley?” he guessed.

“Yeah, it may be nothing, just life in the wilderness, but there are enough signs that we need to check it out.”

Cas thought for a moment, not sure how exactly he was needed for this. “I think I would be of more help if I were to stay here and continue searching.”

“Maybe,” Sam conceded, “but I think it would be better if you came with us.”

“Aah, you don’t trust me.” And rightfully so, he thought.

“No, and that’s exactly why you need to go. We’ve done this for a long time. This won’t just fix itself. We need to trust each other, and right now we don’t have that. We need to rebuild what we’ve lost.”

“And you think going on this hunt will accomplish this?”

“It’s a start. If we can’t even do the small things together, what hope do we have of fixing the angels?”

“I don’t believe Dean will want me along.” No, the hunter had made that quite clear that first night.

“When Dean thought you were gone, you didn’t see what I saw. You didn’t see how it affected him. I did. And he still put all those hurt feelings aside when you needed him.”

“I know,” Cas admitted. “And I let him down again. He has every right to his anger and mistrust. You both do.”

Sam huffed out a sigh, and Cas knew that he had managed to frustrate him even though he only spoke the truth.

“Look, I know a little something about being misguided and screwing up. I also know about living with those consequences. I don’t know exactly what happened between you and Dean, but I do know that I don’t like seeing him like this.”

“You think I should leave.”

“No, Cas,” Sam sighed. “I’ll be honest. I did consider it, but I don’t think that would be good for any one of us, especially my brother. But it’s pretty much on you right now. I know that you’re not ‘fine,’ but if you want to fix this, then the next step is up to you.”

“Coming on this hunt with you?”

“It’s as good a place as any to start,” Sam offered. “I’m not going to lie and say it’s going to be easy, but it’s only going to get worse if you don’t do anything.”

“I understand,” Cas told him without committing one way or the other.

Sam sighed again. “We’re leaving in two hours,” he told him as he stood up.

Cas watched him go, feeling as if he should have said something reassuring, some promise of effort on his part to fix what he could but that never worked out for him. Every time he tried to do the right thing, it ended terribly. He was no longer sure of anything anymore. It was why he had resigned himself to research. Surely, he couldn’t cause any more problems by just reading. He had done his best to steer clear of the brothers, to keep his problems to himself. He wasn’t so sure he could do that if he was to be in close quarters with them.


	3. Chapter 3

“I told you it was a bad idea,” Dean grumbled, shooting another look towards the bunker.

Sam handed his duffle over for Dean to put into the trunk. “He’s got another ten minutes. He’ll be here.”

“Still don’t know why this is such a big deal for you,” he shrugged. “You said you’re feeling well enough, so this should be a cake walk.”

“Honestly, I’m not 100 percent, but I feel better than I have in a long time. So yeah, we could do this without him, but I don’t want to.”

Dean gave another little shrug and finished loading their bags. Sam knew his brother well enough to know that he wasn’t as indifferent to Cas as he tried to appear. He knew that Dean fixed a plate of food for Cas every evening and had picked up some clothes on his last run into town. He hadn’t commented on the laundry hamper that had appeared in the bathroom or the fact that Cas’ clothes always managed to get washed and left on the shelf in the bathroom. His brother was only fooling himself if he thought he was truly distancing himself from the fallen angel.

Noticing Dean’s stiffening posture, he glanced up and saw Cas walking towards them, a small bag thrown over his shoulder. If he hadn’t already been convinced, Dean’s reaction now would have sold it for him. In those few seconds before Dean put up his wall, Sam had seen concern and affection on his brother’s face.

“Right on time,” Sam smiled when Cas stopped in front of them. He reached out for Cas’ duffle.

“I didn’t know what I would need so I just packed the clothes and personal items that you’ve provided.”

“No problem. We can grab a few things along the way,” Sam reassured him, knowing that Cas only had about 2 changes of clothes and the dress shoes that he always wore. “We’ll have plenty of time to go over the details since Dean insists on driving as far as possible. We won’t meet up with the charter flight until the day after tomorrow.”

“Two days? What the hell Sam?”

“Charlie made the arrangements. She wanted to help and since you insisted on being able to drive as far as you could,” Sam trailed off.

Dean shot him an irritated look and jangled the keys. “Whatever? Are we done?”

Sam rolled his eyes but headed towards the passenger door. “Sure. I’m feeling a bit tired, though. You don’t mind locking up do you?” He grinned at his brother’s choice words as he stomped back off towards the bunker. He noticed that Cas had slipped quietly into the backseat. He decided not to push him. It was enough for now that he was with them.

Sam had hoped that the familiarity of the three of them being in the car together would help diffuse some of the tension but apparently not. Dean was driving with his jaw clenched tight, the music cranked up loud, and his eyes refusing to glance anywhere near the back seat.

And Cas hadn’t uttered a word since he’d gotten in the car. Sam pushed back a wave of irritation towards his brother and Cas, knowing that neither of them probably had the first clue as to how to move forward, and that it would be up to him to make the first step.

“So, Cas, this case is in Southwest Alaska. Have you ever been there?”

“Once, years ago. I needed a place to recuperate after a run-in with my brothers.”

“You have friends there?” Sam asked, genuinely curious as to who the angel spent time with when he wasn’t with them.

“No. I stayed in the wilderness. However, a wolf stayed with me.”

Sam turned around to stare at him. “Seriously?”

“Yes, I think he could sense my grace. He stayed by my side the entire time.”

“Huh,” Sam glanced over at Dean, wondering if his brother was also curious about the other times that Cas may have been injured. They honestly knew very little of what went on when Cas wasn’t with them. He decided right then and there that there needed to be more transparency in all their lives.

“Here’s what we have so far on the case.” He passed the file back to Cas. “It’s such a remote location that it’s hard to tell if it’s something supernatural or not.”

“You mentioned Crowley earlier.”

“Yeah. He, uh, made a point to go back and kill people that we had once saved. It was leverage to try to get us to stop the trials.” Sam didn’t flinch away from Cas’ perceptive stare. He wanted to make sure that Cas knew how much was riding on this.

“I can’t think of any spells that would mimic an animal attack. Do you believe it to be a hell hound?”

“Not really. We can’t think of a reason as to why it hasn’t gone directly after Chloe.”

“And you have no idea where Crowley is now?” Cas questioned as he flipped through the file Sam had put together.

“Nope. He slipped out of the church that night when the angels…” he trailed off, wanting to kick himself when he saw Cas tense up. He felt as if he should apologize or say something to clear the air and had just taken a breath to do so when he saw Dean give a slight shake of his head. His big brother glanced over at him, and Sam could see the warning in his eyes.

“If Crowley has truly changed as much as you’ve previously indicated, then I doubt he is responsible. Even if he hasn’t changed, this seems too obscure if he were attempting to make a point. I would imagine he has more pressing issues.”

Sam nodded, pleased that Cas was engaging but frustrated that Dean wasn’t. He still wanted to speak to Cas more about what had happened, but for now, he’d keep the tremulous peace. “Any other ideas?”

“Based on what you have here, it could be a bear, a wolf, maybe even a sasquatch.”

Both brothers glanced back.

“Did you just suggest Big Foot?” Dean asked.

“It is possible.”

“Yeah, except there’s no such thing.”

“You and Sam have both seen enough to know better than to immediately rule something out as being impossible or not existing.”

“Have you ever seen one, Cas?” Sam questioned, his eyes sparking with curiosity.

“I haven’t. The lore has existed for decades, but I’ve never witnessed one.”

“Well, you swallowed down the whole menu of monster souls. Nothing’s ringing a bell?”

Sam could only stare open-mouthed at his brother. He knew Dean was upset and hurting, but he didn’t think he’d be so callous considering everything that had happened to Cas. He shot a quick glance towards the back seat, disappointment settling over him as he took in the angel’s carefully blank expression.

“I do not recall ever coming in contact with this being in any form.” He handed the folder back to Sam and turned to stare out the window.

And that was the end of their little moment of peace. Deciding that they could all use some quiet time, Sam closed his eyes and tried to take a nap.

 

  
 

By the time they stopped for dinner, Sam was happy to be out of that car, even if he had spent over half the time dozing off and on. And Dean had chosen a Biggerson’s restaurant allowing Sam the option of something other than fried and greasy.

They were seated immediately as the restaurant wasn’t very crowded so late in the evening. He was trying to think of some way to break the tension when he noticed Cas fidgeting beside him. The angel was staring down at the table, his right hand fluttering as it rested nervously in his lap.

Sam thought that he might be reacting to sitting directly across from Dean, but when he glanced over at his brother, he appeared to be just as surprised by Cas’ behavior.

“Hi. Welcome to Biggersons. My name is Sheila, and I’ll be taking care of you tonight.” Their waitress arrived before Sam could ask if Cas was all right. She gave them a big smile and placed three glasses of ice water on the table for them. “Do you boys know what you want or do you need a moment?”

“A minute please,” Sam replied, shooting a quick sideways glance at Cas who seemed to be vibrating though he was barely moving.

“Take your time. If you order any of the specials, half of the proceeds will go towards helping the families of the terrible tragedy that occurred at our Santa Fe location.” She pointed to the small menu placard centered on the table next to the condiments.

“What happened in Santa Fe?” Dean asked.

“It was horrible,” Sheila tsk’d. “Someone attacked the entire restaurant, and it was just awful.” She lowered her voice and began telling them what she knew.

Sam felt Cas jerk right before he toppled over his water glass, sending the icy contents straight into Dean’s lap. Dean jumped up swearing, while Cas stumbled out of the booth and headed for the front door.

“Sorry,” Sam gave her his most apologetic smile as he slid out of the booth. “He’s been going through some rough times.”  
He followed Dean out the door and around to the side of the building where they found Cas leaning against the brick exterior.

“What the hell was that?” Dean snapped.

Cas glanced over at them and then turned his eyes back towards the sky. Even with the dim lighting from the parking lot, Sam could see that he was pale and shaking. Remembering the details that Sheila had shared, he had an awful feeling forming in his gut.

“Cas,” he took a step forward, taking care not to crowd him. “Do you know anything about what happened in Santa Fe?”

Cas shut his eyes and gave a short nod. “That’s where Naomi found me.”

It wasn’t much, but it was enough to paint a very vivid picture. They were well aware of the devastation an angel could bring. “She murdered all those people?”

Cas nodded again. “It was how she made me stop running with the tablet.”

“Son of a bitch,” Dean spat. “This is why you should have been with us, Cas!”

Blue eyes flew open and stared at Dean. “So she could do that to you again?”

This was the first time Sam had ever heard so much raw emotion in the angel’s voice. Coupled with the sheer misery on his face, Sam knew that they were finally catching a glimpse of what Cas had been hiding. Dean must have seen it as well as he was no longer scowling but watching Cas with cautious eyes.

Dean looked over at Sam and breathed out a heavy sigh. “Let’s call it a night. There’s a motel about a mile back. We’ll check in and then grab some take-out.”

“Yeah. Sounds good.” Sam reached for Cas, but he pressed back against the wall, wrapping his arms around himself. Sam dropped his hand, unsure of what to do but knew his touch was currently unwelcome. He turned and followed Dean back to the car, both of them walking slow enough to give Cas time to catch up.

 

  

 

“Seriously, Dean? His own room? How can that be a good idea?”

“It’s all they had.” Dean tossed his keys onto the small table and dropped his bag down one of the full-sized beds.

“He shouldn’t be alone,” Sam argued, pacing the length of the small room.

“Cas will be fine. I’m more worried about you.”

“Me? I’m not the one who freaked out back there.”

“No, but you are the one on this mission to save everybody. I understand why we’re doing this hunt, and I get why you want to help, but you’re getting too involved here. You can’t fix everything.”

“I know that, Dean, but we just watched our friend have a panic attack. Just being in the restaurant triggered an attack, and what about what he said in the alley about it happening again? Are you honestly not worried about him?”

“Cas has been worse than this, and you’ve never reacted this strongly before,” Dean reminded him.

“Worse than losing his grace and all the angels expelled from Heaven?”

“He’ll bounce back. He always does. But you have to tone it down, man. Remember, we do what we can when we can. We can’t do this if you’re going to get this worked up.”

Sam gave him an angry glare. “Fine. I’ll try to ease up, but you need to stop treating Cas like some random case. He’s our friend.”

“And what exactly would you like me to do?”

“I don’t know. Whatever it is you guys usually do. Dean, you refused to leave Purgatory without him. You prayed to him. That has to mean something.”

Dean gave Sam a hard look but didn’t answer him. It did mean something, not that it did him any good. He and Cas just weren’t on the same page, and Dean just didn’t have the energy to try to doctor up the broken angel. Every effort that he’d made had either been ignored or turned back on him. At this point, he had decided that the best course of action was to treat Cas as a colleague and keep his distance.

“Fine, I’ll go check on him myself.” Sam headed for the door.

“Dammit, Sam. I’ll check on him and see what he wants to eat. Happy?”

“Yes, but don’t be an ass to him.”

Dean shot him a look before grabbing his keys and heading over towards the second room that he had booked. He could have requested a cot and put them all in together, but he thought Cas could use some space. And he was sincerely looking out for the guy right then. If he’d had that type of reaction, the last thing he’d want is everyone watching over him, asking him if he was all right.

He knocked on the door, and then knocked again after a few seconds. “Cas, it’s me. Open up.” He waited a few more seconds before he began to wonder what the hell could be taking him so long. He refused to start indulging in Sam’s worry that Cas was too unstable to leave alone.

“Cas!” he barked, knocking heavier against the door.

The door flung open. Cas stood there, dripping wet with a towel wrapped around his waist. Dean gave him a good look over before walking past him into the room. He still looked like hell. He could see the lines of fatigue around his eyes along with the redness that was most likely from lack of sleep. There was just a heaviness to the man that seemed to be weighing him down.

Still gripping the towel, Cas went over to his bag and rummaged around before pulling out a pair of briefs. Dropping the towel, he slid the clothing over his hips and then turned around to face Dean.

“Is that all you’re wearing?” he asked, not bothering to point out that Cas hadn’t finished drying himself off.

“I don’t have much and wasn’t sure when I would be able to wash the dirty clothes. I assumed this would be enough since we’re in for the night.” The last part came out more of a question as Cas waited for his answer.

“No, we’re in for the night. I mean, I’ll go and grab us all something to eat, but you don’t have to go back out.”

“Oh, ok.”

Dean hated the awkward silence. He was used to silence between he and Cas, but it never used to be this uncomfortable. The angel would rarely ever break eye contact, but now he flinched away after a few seconds.

“We can pick up a few things for you tomorrow morning. We should have enough time.” Dean knew he should look away, but he couldn’t help but be drawn to how Cas was just standing there in his briefs, barely meeting his eyes but not from any embarrassment over his lack of dress. He felt a twinge of sadness that Cas was even in this position and that Dean wasn’t at his side as he experienced humanity in so many small ways.

“I’m grabbing dinner. What do you want?”

“Thank you, but I’m not hungry.”

“You barely ate today.”

Cas gave a little shrug, not really giving Dean an answer.

“Are you sure you’re all right?”

“I’m fine. A little tired so I was about to go to sleep,” Cas replied.

Dean spotted the lie easily but let it go. He ignored that awful twisting feeling in his gut and told him goodnight.

It was well over an hour before he returned to the room with a large take-out bag and some plastic shopping bags.

“Where’d you go? Next county?” Sam asked, getting up from his bed and walking over to the small table to inspect the food. “Oh wow, no burgers?”

“Nah, there was a pizza joint open that had pasta dishes. Figured you could use the carbs.”

“Thanks.” He accepted the plastic container that Dean held out and gestured towards the other bags. “What’s that?”

“There was a Wal-Mart down the block so I stopped in while waiting for the food. Picked up a couple of things for Cas.”

“Thought we were going to stop in the morning?” Sam hummed appreciatively as he removed the plastic lid and the scent from the meat sauce filled the air.

“We are. It’s just a few t-shirts and a couple of sweatpants and socks. No big deal,” he muttered, ignoring the knowing look on Sam’s face. He was being nice, nothing else. If anything, it was more for him so he wouldn’t have to have conversations with the man half dressed. Grabbing up the bags and food, he headed over to Cas’ room.

He was glad to see Cas being more cautious when he peered at him through the safety chain before fully opening the door.

“Is something wrong?”

“No. Just bought you some food and clothes.”

Cas stepped back with a frown and held the door open. “I’m afraid I’m still not very hungry.”

Dean glanced over at the bed, noticing that it was still undisturbed. He saw that the chair was pulled away from the table and that Cas had books and papers strewn about. “Spaghetti diner. You don’t have to eat the whole thing, but you should take a few bites. The carbs and protein will go a long way. Working on something?”

Cas stepped around him and began hastily gathering up his materials. “Not really,” he muttered, keeping his face averted. “I’m writing out translations of some pages that Sam copied for me.”

Dean frowned as he noticed the red patch of skin along Cas’ left shoulder. The skin appeared red and irritated, as if he’d been vigorously scratching. It definitely hadn’t been there before. Deciding to maintain the boundaries that he had established, he didn’t mention it. Instead he placed the bag of food on the now cleared table and tossed the other small bags onto the bed.

“I picked up some clothes for you for tonight. Just some sweat pants and shirts and underwear,” he stammered as Cas peered into the bag.

“Thank you.”

Dean almost laughed at his questioning tone, as if he wasn’t quite sure what the etiquette was when someone handed you clothes to wear so you wouldn’t be standing around in your underwear. “We’ll still stop in the morning, but thought you might want something to sit around in or sleep in.”

“Sorry to be such a bother.”

“No problem. I’d do it for anyone.” He immediately regretted his easy-going words when he saw the hurt flash across his face. It was on the tip of his tongue to apologize, but he couldn’t get the words to come out. He’d opened himself up so much, and he just didn’t have the energy to try to fix things right now. Cas was with them. Both he and Sam seemed to be getting stronger each day. By Winchester standards, it was good and Dean wasn’t about to rock the boat.


	4. Chapter 4

By the time he deplaned in the small village of Anvik, Dean was wishing that he had just followed Sam’s original plan and flown straight through. He had hoped that the time spent driving would be soothing and he would be equally tired and relaxed when finally making the short flight from Seattle to Alaska. But two days cooped up with Sam and Cas had his nerves on edge. Sam was definitely doing better, even if he was taking more catnaps than usual and eating less. The problem wasn’t Sam’s health but his extreme focus on Castiel’s health. Sam was in tune with everything that Cas was doing: how much he was eating, what he was and was not eating, the tone of his voice, how tired he appeared. Dean knew he could hover when someone he cared about was ill, but his baby brother was putting him to shame. He wasn’t obvious about it, though. Dean wasn’t sure Cas was even aware of how worried he was making Sam. He just seemed off in his own world, and that worried the both of them.

Boarding the plane in Seattle for his flight to Anchorage had been hard enough (Charlie promised that the Impala would be safe in the storage she arranged), but then realizing that he would have to take a small bush plane to their destination had just been the icing on the cake. The small plane seemed to do nothing more than bounce and pitch across the sky. His stomach had protested from the moment they took off and was still churning mightily. He had refused to give in, though, waving off the airsickness bag that Sam kept offering him.

The air was chillier than he’d expected for June, but Sam had obviously done his research and had suggested that they all pack hoodies and light jackets. Looking around the small airport, Dean finally allowed himself to see what Sam had been gaping at throughout most of their flight. It was absolutely breathtaking. Traveling from case to case provided the opportunity for them to see much of the country even if they had little time to enjoy it. But right now, Dean was seeing something that he had never seen before, and he got it. Despite the aggravation of getting here and the seriousness of the case, he was glad that his brother was able to be out here in the wide-open spaces. Maybe the fresh air would be good for all of them.

He saw Chloe Armstrong standing near a red sport utility vehicle parked near the hanger. It had been several years, but she was easily recognizable. Apparently, so were he and Sam as her welcoming smile slipped off her face as soon as she locked eyes with him. He watched as she glanced nervously between him and the other blonde woman who was with her.

She greeted them with a cautious smile, unusual enough for the other lady, her cousin they found out, to give her a questioning look. Before Chloe could offer an explanation, Dean asked if they could speak in private.

“So, it’s true?” she asked once they were out of earshot of the others.

“Depends on what you mean.”

“There are rumors that something is attacking people up near our lodge, something other than the usual run of the mill wild animals that we have up here,” Chloe hissed, her features pinched and strained.

“We don’t know yet, but we thought it was worth checking out. Sometimes, this job that we do, trouble follows us and the people that we help. We wanted to make sure that you were ok.”

“You’ve been keeping tabs on me?”

“Not really, no. But our job does bring us into contact with a lot of undesirable elements and sometimes that bleeds over. We just need to make sure that isn’t the case here.”

“And if it is?”

“Then we’ll take care of it,” he promised.

“All right,” she muttered, giving him a shaky nod. “So, just like last time?”

“Pretty much,” he answered. “We’ll get set up and take a look around, get a feel for what we’re dealing with here and then go from there. Are we close to your place? There isn’t another plane right?” he grimaced.

“No,” she smiled. “Not a fan of flying, huh? It’s just a short drive to the dock where we’ll head up river by boat. I’m assuming since you booked reservations through our website, you know that we’re a fishing lodge.”

“Yeah, but Sam left out a few important details,” he said loud enough so that Sam would hear as they rejoined the others.

“Kim, these guys are here to look into the rumors. They’re the same guys who helped us out that other time.” Chloe emphasized her words, leaving no question as to the other time to which she was referring.

Her cousin nodded her head, her eyes still a bit wide as she looked at the three men standing before her. “Can you help?”

“We believe we can. Is it just the two of you at the lodge?” Sam asked as they began stowing their luggage in the vehicle.

“Right now it is,” Chloe responded, hopping into the passenger seat as her cousin Kim got behind the wheel. “Kim’s dad, my uncle, usually runs everything but he was attacked six weeks ago and is recuperating at a facility in Anchorage.”

“With all the rumors going around from the recent attacks, we haven’t been able to book any stays and couldn’t afford to keep on a staff. Right now, all our cabins are boarded up and we’ve opened up rooms in the main house,” Kim told them as she maneuvered the vehicle out of the parking area and onto the road.

“How remote is this place? Are you sure it’s safe with just the two of you?”

“You tell us,” Chloe tossed back. “But if you’re referring to the two of us being out at the lodge on our own, Kim grew up here. She’s good with a knife and an even better shot. I’ve been here for five years and have learned enough to hold my own.”

“We usually allow guests to spend a little bit of time in town while we load up on some supplies. We keep the staples but we try to address any special dietary needs once you arrive so if there’s anything you need, let us know and we’ll pick it up before heading out.”

“There’s not much to see,” Kim added. “The village isn’t very big but if you need to check into some stuff, we can do that before heading out.”

“You do have internet at the lodge?” Sam asked.

“Satellite phone and internet, but no cell phone service,” Kim confirmed. “The lodge is secluded, but we’re not too far out. It’s only a 20 minute ride upriver.”

It was a short drive to the docks. Dean pulled Chloe aside and confirmed that they did have some special diet needs, mainly easy to digest foods for both Cas and Sam. After loading their bags onto the boat, Sam opted to go with the ladies as well as pick up any local papers.

Deciding to stay behind at the docks, Dean took a seat on one of the benches up near the sidewalk and looked out over the small fishing vessels. This would be the perfect vacation spot, if they ever were to take a vacation. He glanced over at Cas, who had been silent since the introductions. He was standing a couple of feet away, looking out over the water.

“You doing ok, Cas?” Dean rolled his eyes when Cas simply nodded and continued to stare off into the distance. “You’ve been pretty quiet.”

“My people skills have not improved much. I thought it best to leave the interaction to you and Sam.”

Dean wanted to draw him in, get him talking but he knew that was a slippery slope right now. He could definitely see what was bothering Sam, but hell if he knew how to fix it. There used to be a time when Cas would confide in him. No, he wouldn’t seek Dean out and just spill his guts. Dean often had to question and pry before Cas would share what he was feeling, but at least he would eventually open up. Not anymore, though. Dean knew Cas well enough to know that after this latest disaster, Cas would be more guarded and reserved. He wasn’t even sure that opening up and talking would even help. Sam thought the three of them working a case together would help get them back on track, so maybe that was the ticket. Forget about all the messy emotions and just focus on the job.

After watching Sam’s expression on the boat ride upriver, Dean decided that they were definitely staying a few extra days once the case was over. He wanted his brother to remember exactly why they were fighting so hard.

The lodge looked exactly like the website pictures. The lodge property sat in a clearing with the main house sitting several yards back from the shoreline, backing up against the Alaskan wilderness. Several cabins and other small buildings were scattered across the property as well, giving the place an overall ‘camp-like’ feeling. They were greeted by two large dogs, running and barking along the pier. “That’s Koda and Kuma,” Chloe told them. “They help guard the place. Since you’re with us, you won’t have any problems.”

The two dogs sniffed the strangers and then trailed behind their masters. They unloaded their bags and supplies, carrying everything up to the main lodge. Kim pointed out various features of the property as they headed up to house.

“Follow me,” Chloe told them as she led them up a wide staircase. “There are four bedrooms upstairs. Kim and I share a suite downstairs so you guys will have your privacy.”

Dean chose the room that put him in between Sam and Cas. He could tell by the look on his face that Sam knew what he was doing, but he didn’t call him out on it.

“Go ahead and get settled. Most guests arrive fairly hungry so we had some stuff already prepped. Come on down when you’re ready.”

Alone in his room, Dean tossed his duffle in the corner. They never unpacked while on a case, preferring to keep everything stored for easy travel. Instead he searched his room, looking for anything unusual. Once satisfied that nothing seemed out of place, he headed next door to Cas’ room, knowing that Sam was already checking out his space.

The door was open and Cas was looking around, but Dean wasn’t convinced that Cas had already thoroughly checked it over. He began checking the room, knowing that Cas wouldn’t mind. He could feel the newly human’s eyes on him as he made sure the room was secure. He wondered if this routine would ever become second nature for Cas, if he would be human long enough to need to do these things.  
Satisfied that everything was good, he headed for the door. “Take a minute if you need it but come on down so we can get going on this.”

Sam was already downstairs, and Cas joined them within a few minutes. Kim had set the table with cut raw vegetables and dips, sandwiches made with fresh bread, and homemade seafood chowder.

Dean was pleased to see Sam dig into a sandwich as well as a bowl of soup. He also noticed the minute frown on his brother’s face when he saw that Cas was doing nothing more than nibbling on the vegetables.

“This is fantastic. Thank you,” Sam said. “I didn’t realize how hungry I was until I sat down.”

“We get that a lot,” Kim laughed. “The long flight coupled with the boat trip and the late sunset can really kick up an appetite. There’s plenty, so help yourself.”

Dean noticed that Kim seemed to be a little more at ease than when they’d first arrived. He almost hated to break the peace, but they needed to get a feel for what they were facing.

“So Chloe, tell us what’s been going on.”

The young woman exchanged a glance with her cousin, and as Dean had expected, the overall mood became a bit more somber.

“We honestly don’t know what’s going on. A group of hunters were about five miles northeast of property lines. We’re not sure what happened, but they lost two people from their party. The three remaining hunters and the guide couldn’t give a clear account of exactly what happened.”

“What did they say it was?” Dean prompted.

“A bear,” Kim shrugged. “A wolf.”

“What about the autopsy? Did it mention an animal?”

Both girls looked a bit uncomfortable, and Chloe went as far as to put her spoon down.

“Rumor is that they’re inconclusive. There was a lot of damage, and they were unable to determine what type of animal attacked them.”

“How does something like that not garner more attention,” Sam wondered.

“Oh, it did,” Kim huffed. “Those guys came back so spooked and full of tall tales that nobody knew what to believe. At one point, we had people trying to book trips through us to go out and hunt down whatever it was, but we don’t allow hunting on our land.”

“Then the season started and folks began concentrating on their own businesses. There were enough rumors to make people think twice about booking with us,” Chloe added. “And then Uncle Jim got attacked six weeks ago.”

“Did he see what it was?”

Kim shook her head. “No. My dad has been here his whole life. He respects nature, but sometimes he gets careless. He’d had a few beers and was walking the land with Kuma. He said it was a whale, and after that, everyone wrote him off as a drunk.”

“But not you?” Dean guessed.

“He may be my dad, but he’s not crazy, and he knows this land as well as anyone. Something did attack him at the edge of our property, same general location, give or take a few miles from where the hunters were attacked. If it hadn’t been for Kuma, I’m not sure my dad would have made it.”

“The dogs are skittish up in that area. After we got Uncle Jim settled in the hospital in Anchorage, Kim and I went out with the dogs and our shotguns, but we never saw anything. The dogs definitely got antsy when we got beyond a certain point, though.”

Dean didn’t know if these girls were extremely brave or just plain foolish. “Do the dogs ever act like that around the house?”

“Not that I’ve ever seen.”

“Me either,” Kim answered.

“So, we’re working with a localized area,” Sam told them. “We should still put up some protections around the house and yard.”

“I can do that,” Cas spoke up, saying his first words since they sat down.

“Whatever you need,” Chloe offered. “My ex left an extensive tool collection in the shed. We should have everything, but if not, let me know.”

He was sure it was nothing, but they had to check every lead. “Ex?” Dean asked. Judging from the eye roll and snort Kim gave, Dean figured there was a story with this guy. “Is he still around?”

“No,” Chloe shook her head, her expression somber again. “Ryan took off two years ago. He’s back in the lower forty-eight.”

Dean exchanged a glance with Sam, knowing that his brother was already planning to look into the whereabouts of the guy.

“So, I guess you must have trusted him if you married him.”

“Well, yes. Wait, you don’t think he’s involved in any of this?”

“What do you think?”

“No way,” she replied with confidence. “Ryan was stationed here with the Air Force, and I thought he understood that Alaska was my home now, and that I didn’t want to leave. He got out of the service, stayed for about a year and then said it was Alaska or him. I couldn’t go back, not after what happened,” she shrugged, “so he filed the papers and went back to his high school sweetheart. There weren’t any hard feelings on his part. I just wasn’t enough to make him stay.”

“I’m sorry,” Dean told her sincerely.

Chloe shrugged. “It was over a year ago, and sadly, I don’t think he even thinks about me.”

An uncomfortable silence settled over the table before Sam gave an awkward cough. “Sorry, Chloe, but we have to cover all the bases.”

“I remember.” She gave him a small smile.

“And nothing out of the ordinary with Tim?”

“No. He had a little trouble adjusting to what happened. As a teenager, it was especially hard. And then moving here and away from his friends. He’s doing better, trying to forge his own path. He knows Uncle Jim got hurt, but we haven’t told him the rest.”

“Why not?”

“He’s my kid brother. I couldn’t protect him before, but I can now.”

Dean knew exactly how she felt and couldn’t fault Chloe for her decision. It helped knowing that Tim was safe and not experiencing problems, but they would have Charlie check up on him as well.

“We have a few hours of daylight left. We’d better get started.” Sam pushed back from the table and began gathering up his dishes.

“We’ve got this,” Kim told him, waving him off. “Go do whatever you need to do and let us know what you need.”

Dean gave Chloe a small smile as he got up to follow Sam. She reached over and placed her hand on top of his.

“I hate the circumstances, but it is so good to see you again.”

Before he could reply, Dean noticed that Cas had watched Chloe’s actions and had actually blushed a light shade of red before leaving the table and heading out of the room. He turned his hand over and gave hers a gentle squeeze before heading out as well.

 

  
 

Cas put away the last of the tools and locked the doors of the storage shed. It had taken him almost an hour to paint and carve protective sigils in a wide radius around the main house as well as the along the short pier. He was grateful for the time alone, away from the ever-watchful eyes of the Winchesters. He was doing fairly well holding his own and keeping his anxiety at bay, but Sam and Dean were keenly observant, and Cas knew that they were picking up on all the small clues. It helped when he could stay busy and focus on a task. It was why he’d volunteered to put up the protections. And also because even in his limited capacity, he was still the most knowledgeable in that regard.

But unfortunately, the task wasn’t enough to calm his nerves, not after hearing Chloe speak of her wayward husband. Before, Cas wouldn’t have given it much thought. He knew that human relationships were mercurial and often changing so he never considered the long term effects of when a relationship ended. Most humans bounced back and moved on to another party.

He rarely took notice of interpersonal relationships beyond that of the Winchesters. But ever since Metatron took his grace, he was attaching more significance to things he’d previously overlooked.

He couldn’t stop thinking of how Chloe spoke of Ryan leaving, how she wasn’t enough. It nagged at him as he played similar words through his head. He knew that the Winchesters considered him a useful ally, but he was beginning to wonder if maybe Dean had meant something else. He was almost sure of it.

He’d always felt a strong affection for Dean and Sam, to a lesser extent. He never dissected and explored what it meant, though. He had no basis for comparison so he saw no reason to label it. But maybe there had been something more to Dean’s statement of need. What if he’d made Dean feel the way Ryan made Chloe feel? Was that even possible?

Cas rubbed his eyes, frustrated with the barrage of thought and emotions. He wished that he could talk to someone and make sense of it all, but why should he have that luxury when his brothers and sisters didn’t.

“Hey, you all right?”

Cas bit his lip, barely stifling a surprised gasp at having been caught unaware. He turned and saw Dean standing three feet away from him, frowning as he looked him over.

“”I’m fine. Just thinking,” he replied, not wanting to lie, but also not willing to share his thoughts.

“Ok.”

He had seen enough of the Winchesters’ expressions to know Dean didn’t believe him, and his stomach churned with sensation to be such a disappointment. They had once again not parted on friendly terms, Dean angry for the problems that he had created. He was beginning to think Sam’s idea of working together would not be enough to repair the damage he had created.

“I’m heading to check out that area. Sam is a bit too wiped to go, so I’m going to get a quick look while there’s still light.” Dean delivered his message in a short tone and was already heading towards the woods.

“I’ll go with you.”

“If I won’t let Sam go, I’m sure as hell not taking you.”

Cas pushed down another unpleasant sensation. “You shouldn’t go alone.”

“You’ve barely eaten or slept. I don’t need the liability.”

“I’m fine. Really,” he insisted at Dean’s skeptical look. “I may be human now, but I still don’t need as much sleep or nourishment. Not yet, anyways.”

Cas waited, his own frustration beginning to grow as Dean remained unyielding.

“Dean, I’m here to help. You shouldn’t take reckless chances just because you’re angry with me.”

“Fine. But if you can’t keep up, then I’m leaving your sorry ass to the wolves.”

He tried to think of something to say, to at least provide some sort of apology for the grief that he had brought down upon them. Dean was fairly direct and would appreciate being approached in the same manner.

It took Cas fifteen minutes before gathering the courage to say what had been bothering him.

“Dean, I’m sorry.” He hadn’t expected a reply so he continued on, his eyes still scanning the area as he listened for any signs of danger. “I never meant to make you feel as if you weren’t enough.”

Dean whirled around, his face tight with anger. “The hell are you talking about?”

Cas felt a moment of uncertainty in the face of Dean’s reaction. Had he misunderstood? “You were angry that I left. I had my reasons, but I realize now that there is more to just doing the right thing. I didn’t understand it until I heard Chloe speak of her husband.”

Dean shook his head and let out a harsh laugh. “You don’t understand a damn thing. See, you and Chloe’s husband – not the same thing. Chloe’s husband didn’t just disappear. Chloe’s husband didn’t have an angelic hit squad on his ass or the King of Hell gunning for him. She knows that he’s alive, that he just chose not to be with her. So I guess you’re right about that part.”

“I’m here with you now.”

“And let’s be honest about that. You’re only here because you have nowhere else to go. We’re always your last choice. You run off and disappear without a word and when the shit hits the fan, you come running back with your tail between your legs.”

Cas felt hot and itchy. He was grateful that Dean had resumed his patrol after his outburst and was no longer looking at him. He took a few deep breaths, trying to regain his composure. He blinked away the heavy tears, refusing to let them fall. He’d felt emotions as an angel, but he absolutely loathed how much he was feeling them now. But he had brought this upon himself, and he would endure the consequences.

He could tell when they neared the area of the attack. Despite his turbulent emotional state, he could still sense the ‘otherness’ of the area.

“Dean,” he hissed.

“Cas. We’re done with this,” he snapped.

“Dean,” he hissed again, urgently enough that the hunter turned around to stare at him.  
Moving closer to him, Dean lowered his voice as well, his right arm reaching for his pistol. “What is it?”

“This is the area.”

He glanced around. “How do you know?”

“I feel it.”

Dean raised an eyebrow. “I thought all of that was gone.”

“Metatron took it all. But I was an angel for centuries. I just know.”

Apparently that was good enough for Dean. With their weapons drawn, they continued the search.

“Whatever it is, it’s not going to show itself,” Cas finally announced. “If it’s even here.”

“Thought you said you could sense it.”

“Not it, specifically, but I can sense that there is a lot of energy here. Listen. There are no sounds or any signs of wildlife. The air is completely still. The ladies said the dogs could sense it as well. The creature is mobile, but this is its home range.”

They continued searching the area, looking for any possible clues. Finally, Cas shook his head and they started walking back towards the lodge. Even though he had been sufficiently distracted with the case, he still felt uneasy about his confrontation with Dean. He knew that there wasn’t anything that he could say or do that would magically fix their current situation, and he was at a loss as to how to proceed. He did know that he wasn’t comfortable ending the night with the way things were.

“Dean,” he called to him before he could walk back inside the house. He watched the hunter square his shoulders before turning around to face him. “This is not your problem to fix, but I knew you and your brother would attempt to do so. It is not fair for me to leave it to you. I do not interact well with others, but I can take care of myself even without my powers. I didn’t come to you as a last resort. I came to own up to my mistakes and do my fair share. You deserve at least that much.”

Cas watched Dean’s face looking for some hint as to what he was feeling. He wasn’t saying anything, but at least he was still listening. He wasn’t used to talking about himself and putting words to his feelings, but he felt that he needed to do this right now. “I thought the nature of our relationship allowed for us to always return to each other. I know that I have not performed my duties well as of late, but I have always considered myself to be your guardian. It has never been my intention to cause you harm or distress. If my presence is problematic for you, I’ll leave first thing in the morning.”

“You think it’s that easy?”

“Honestly, I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what you want from me.”

“Well then, maybe you should stick around until you figure it out.”

Cas felt his chest tighten. The words weren’t especially hopeful but the anger from earlier was gone. And Dean seemed to be saying the same things as Sam. Stay.


	5. Chapter 5

“Told you this was a good idea,” Dean said as he leaned back in the lounge chair and closed his eyes. He and Sam were on the tail end of their two-hour break, relaxing on the lodge deck after spending the past hour catching tonight’s dinner. Kim had come and whisked away their catch, taking it up to the cleaning station behind the house. Chloe had shown up a few minutes later with a hot lunch for them. Even though, they weren’t regular customers, the owners of the lodge insisted on making their stay as comfortable as possible.

The fishing break had been Dean’s idea. They had been at it for the past two days, searching the area, looking for any hints or clues. Sam accompanied Kim to Anchorage, hitting up the archives and library while she visited with her father. Dean and Chloe had gone into the local village one evening and had a few drinks with the locals in an attempt to see if there were any new rumors circulating around. Like in every community, there were a few whispers, but nothing concrete.

Sam was doing well holding his own, but Dean could see that the case, easy as it may be, was starting to take its toll. And he wanted to make sure that his little brother didn’t overdo it.

With the past two days not turning up any leads, Dean had insisted that Sam take a short break, promising that they would immediately get back to work after the allotted two hours. And Cas was keeping a watchful eye around the lodge so there was no harm in taking a quick breather.

“You were right,” Sam agreed, sliding down a bit in his chair, his eyes closed and his fingers laced together and resting on his lap. “I haven’t been fishing in ages.”

“Me neither.” Dean smiled, pleased at how relaxed his brother seemed. He closed his own eyes and enjoyed the sounds of nature around them. The weather had been cooler than he was used to for mid June and he could do without the daily rain showers, but overall, it was the most peaceful job location they’d had in a long time.

He should have known that it wouldn’t last.

“You know Cas is getting worse.” Sam’s words broke the peaceful silence.

Dean gave a small grunt, knowing that his brother would get the hint.

“You can’t keep pretending not to see it and to not care about it,” Sam pressed after another few minutes.

“I could if you would just leave it alone,” Dean muttered. He heard the sigh and Sam shuffling around and knew that their break was over. If he was honest, he was surprised that Sam had waited this long to broach the subject.

The fact that Cas was struggling was painfully obvious, but Dean still wasn’t ready to put himself out there again. He had no idea how to move them forward.

“What exactly do you want me to do, Sam? I’m working this case with him. I’m not giving him grief over what happened. Hell, I’m not even asking him about it.”

“Exactly. Why are you giving him a pass now? It’s like you’ve given up. You need to figure out if he’s worth it.”

Dean shook his head and looked out over the water. “You don’t understand.”

“Actually, I think I do.”

“No, Sam you don’t.”

“Dean,” Sam waited until Dean turned towards him before continuing. “I don’t know exactly what’s happened between you and Cas, but I’m not blind. I know there’s something there. And I know that he’s hurt you more than anyone, except me, of course.”

“Sam….”

“It’s ok. I get it. And I know that he has that power to hurt you because you care so much. And I know what it’s like to want to just shut down so you don’t feel the pain, but it doesn’t work.” Sam took a breath and opened his mouth to speak but clamped it shut again. Dean waited, giving Sam time to get the words out.

“Dean, I’m sorry I didn’t look for you. You’re my brother, and I love you but it hurts in a way that nothing else ever has. I thought if I finally let go, the pain would fade, and I’d move on, but I was wrong. And as much as it sucks worrying about when that day will come, I now know it’s better than pretending not to feel at all.”

“Sam,” he took a steadying breath. Yeah, it hurt knowing that Sam hadn’t looked for him, but he hadn’t been able to look past his own pain to understand what Sam must have been feeling. “I meant what I said in the church.”

“I know you did and I may still have some issues, but we’re good. It’s just that I can maybe see something you can’t right now.”

Dean sighed and rubbed his hand across his face. Hearing his little brother’s heartfelt words should have made him feel good, knowing that his devotion wasn’t one-sided, but he probably would always feel as if he could have done better by Sam.

“You can’t fix everything, and you shouldn’t try. I own my actions. And Cas owns his. I just don’t want you to shut him down completely.”

“I wish it were that easy, Sammy. You’re my blood and that’s always going to be big. And I will always fight for you, but this thing with Cas just isn’t the same.”

“Yeah, I get that. But just because it’s different doesn’t mean it’s not worth fighting for.”

“Sam,” Dean protested. He was not ready for this. He and Cas had skirted around this that first night, but Dean realized that the wound was still too raw. Right now, it had to be enough that Cas was safe with them. Beyond that, he wasn’t sure he was ready.

“You told me that you wanted me to be honest about what I was going through. I’ve done that. I wish you trusted me enough to confide in me.”

And that hurt. He knew Sam was right, but it still hurt to know that his actions were making Sam feel worse. But talking this out, this wasn’t something he wanted to do or was even sure he could do. He didn’t have a name for what he felt for Cas, and he wasn’t sure he could really explain why it bothered him so much.

“Sam, I trust you more than anybody. Hear me out,” he held up his hand to forestall Sam’s comment. “Just because I don’t talk stuff out doesn’t mean I don’t trust you. I’ve always had to take care of things, get the job done. It’s hard for me to take everything inside here and pull it out into words.”

“It’s ok. I don’t want you to feel as if you have to do this alone. I want to help, but I don’t know if he’ll let me.”

“You’ve seen what I’ve seen. Cas is going to do his own thing no matter what we do.”

“Think about the angels and other supernatural beings we’ve met. Now think about Cas and how much he’s helped us. For someone like him, that’s a pretty big deal. He’s all but shouting his devotion to you.”

Dean scoffed. “By leaving and ignoring us?”

“He’s still an angel,” Sam shrugged as if that said it all.

And maybe it did. Dean had gotten so comfortable with Cas that it was easy to forget that he was so much more than what his vessel appeared to be. There were moments when Cas seemed so human, and Dean felt the connection of their bond. But there were other times, more often than not lately, where Dean was harshly reminded of just how alien Castiel was.

But Cas wasn’t an angel any more and that posed a whole new set of problems. He knew Sam meant well, but even if Dean were ready to reach out, he didn’t know how.

“Don’t over think it,” Sam advised. “You and Cas usually resolve your issues. I’m just worried that he may not hold it together long enough for things to resolve naturally.”

“Ok, Dr. Phil, what do you suggest?”

“Start talking to him again,” Sam said with an easy shrug.

Dean just stared at him. After that long emotional spiel, that’s all he had? “Seriously?”

“Yeah. Even though we’ve spent time apart, I’ve always known that you would do anything to help me. Knowing that I had support helped. Cas doesn’t have that reassurance. He’s anchorless right now. Even simple interaction would go a long way.”

“So, you think just chatting him up is going to fix him right up?”

“Hell no. I’m just hoping to stabilize him a bit before he explodes. You saw him outside the restaurant. And nothing since then. No emotions. He doesn’t talk about what happened. Never mentions any of the human crap he’s going through. He won’t come to us. He’s bottling all that stuff up inside.”

Dean felt the weight of Sam’s words. Despite everything, Cas was his friend, and Dean knew that he was unstable. The last thing he wanted was for him to fall apart again. “Ok, then. So we talk.”

“Dean.”

“Yeah?” he answered, his voice reflecting his weariness, the peace from their break long gone.

“Thanks for the fishing break. It did help.”

Dean huffed out a small laugh and shook his head.

 

 

After taking a few minutes to gather his thoughts, Dean went in search of Cas. He found him out behind the lodge, walking the edge of the tree line. “Forget the bug spray?” he asked, watching Cas slap at his neck.

“I don’t like the smell.”

“It’ll grow on you. Especially when you get all itchy from the bites. You doing ok?”

Cas watched him for a moment, his expression neutral. “Yes. There is nothing new to report. I haven’t seen anything near the house nor can I sense anything. I’m ready to walk out further if you are.”

Dean wasn’t surprised that Cas kept his answer impersonal. Thinking back to his conversation with Sam, he knew it would take quite a bit to get Cas to open up. And that was probably what bothered him the most –that Cas didn’t trust him enough to come to him.

“Yeah, ok. Just let me tell Sam.” They had worked out a system where two of them would go back out to the site and look for any clues while one of them stayed at the house with the dogs. So far, their searches had yielded nothing. This would be his second time searching with Cas since that first night. Neither of them had done much talking, other than what pertained to the case.

They started off the same as they had last time, both of them quiet and lost in their own thoughts. Dean could feel the tension between them. He and Cas used to work well together, their silence often companionable but now there was a rift between them. And it was up to Dean to bridge the gap.

“So, how are you really doing, Cas?” Dean tried again. He saw Cas stiffen slightly before continuing alongside him. It was awkward, but he was testing the waters. Cas shied away from deep emotional talks as much as he did. And as Sam had just reminded him, he couldn’t really expect Cas to know what to do.

“I am…adjusting.”

Now it was Dean’s turn to stumble. It was hardly a heartfelt confession, but for Cas, it spoke volumes.

 

“You know I’m here if you need me, right?”

“Of course,” replied.

Dean picked up on the tone and slight grimace and decided to drop it for the time being.

Their search yielded no new information. They’d set up trip wires and small branches and nothing had been disturbed. It seemed as if the animals were still giving this area a wide berth.

“Is anything coming through here?” Dean asked, although he already knew the answer.

“It doesn’t appear so. Even though the presence seems to be fading, it’s still strong enough to make this an unnatural area for any animal to want to approach.”

“What about you? Can you just sense it or does it give you the heebie jeebies?”

Cas frowned and glanced around the clearing. “It’s difficult to say. Whatever happened here wasn’t necessarily evil.”

Dean shot him a look. “Whatever this is killed people.”

“But as far as we know, it isn’t continuing to do so. I’m beginning to think this may have been a nest or a birthing place.”

“Fantastic. So there could any number of these things.”

“Possibly.”

“Then where are the tracks? Why did the attacks stop?”

“I don’t know.”

“Cas,” Dean hesitated. “Can any of this be related to what happened? Could that be why you’re the only one who can sense something here?”

“What do you mean? None of the descriptions resembled an angel.”

“Can you guys possess animals?”

Cas’ eyebrows shot up before he straightened his back in what was surely offense. “No, we can not.”

“Just checking. But no chance of maybe one of your brothers trying some type of spell to get back home?”

“I’m not aware of any such spell. Sam has indicated that the majority of my brothers are currently disoriented and not in any condition to try something this powerful or well thought out.”

“Ok. Sorry,” he muttered, glad to not have to address the angels yet, but frustrated to still be back at square one.


	6. Chapter 6

Sam felt another wave of aggravation wash over him as he glanced at the tree line, looking for … anything. Four days had passed, and they didn’t have anything to go on except for a feeling that Cas was picking up. He glanced over at Cas, another front where progress wasn’t being made. He’d been relieved to have an actual conversation with his brother, hoping he would be able to reach out to the fallen angel, but Cas seemed more reserved than ever. Dean didn’t seem angry or annoyed so Sam was at a loss as to what had actually happened between them. It appeared that they had almost reversed roles. Dean was being more talkative and reaching out while Cas was becoming more closed off.

“Are you picking up on anything?” he asked, more for something to break the silence than any realistic expectation that they would find something.

“Just a faint trace of what I always feel whenever we’re in this area. The further we get from the center, the more it fades.”

They had started going farther out, pushing the boundaries to see if they had missed anything. This evening, he and Cas were at the outer edge of the affected area heading towards the river.

“Maybe another half mile or so and then we can head back,” Sam told him.

“Are you feeling unwell?” Curious sharp blue eyes looked him over.

It was a small opening, but Sam would take it. “No, I’m good. I have a pretty good idea of how much I can take, so I’m trying to not overdo it. I feel a little stronger every day as long as I pace myself.”

Cas nodded, seemingly satisfied that Sam wasn’t in any danger.

“What about you? I hear you most nights, moving around. Trouble sleeping?” He kept his tone casual, but he knew that Cas would realize that if Sam was aware he wasn’t sleeping, Dean knew as well.

“I am adjusting.”

Sam frowned at the answer that really didn’t tell him anything. “So, what do you do when you can’t sleep?” It took so long for him to answer that Sam was beginning to wonder if he would.

“I’m putting together a resource journal for you and Dean to have on hand. I want to ensure you have the benefit of my knowledge should anything happen.”

Sam forced himself to keep walking. “Happen? Like what?”

Cas did stop and waited for Sam to do so as well. “You know as well as I do that this situation is unpredictable. I will not stand by and be the cause of my family being cast from their home. The time will come when I will need to act and atone for my part in this.”

“Cas,” Sam sighed. “It’s not all on you. And you know we’ll help. You’re not in this alone.”

“I appreciate the offer, and if it will help my family, then I will not allow my pride to stand in the way. However, I also won’t allow you and Dean to carry all the responsibility for my actions.”

“I understand, “ Sam reassured him. “Trust me, I get it. Just…give us a chance, ok?” He waited until Cas nodded before continuing on. He’d been hoping to hear more about how Cas was doing on a personal level, but at least he was talking.

They reached the river bank, Sam heading further up along the path while Cas looked closer to the water’s edge. The shoreline was gravelly with quite a few larger stones glistening just below the surface. Sam made his way further uphill to get a better view. He turned around, a yell bursting out of him as he saw a large black wolf leaping at Cas.

“Cas!”

Fortunately, Cas turned just as the animal leapt at him, throwing his arms up and using his shotgun as a brace. The force of the animal knocked him backwards, and Sam saw Cas go down, his body submerged in the shallow water, the wolf pinning him down, the shotgun wedged in the animal’s jaws.

 

Too far away to take a clear shot, Sam ran towards them, screaming for all he was worth, hoping to distract the animal. Cas was still holding the creature off, and he’d managed to get his head above water for a few seconds, but the beast had him pinned well, his jaws snarling around the shotgun.

When he was close enough, Sam did a double take as he took in the wolf’s features. The head was more rounded than that of a wolf, but it was hard for him to narrow down the details as it was shaking and trashing in an attempt to bite through the weapon. The tail was long and forked at the end, unlike anything that Sam had ever seen on a land animal. He took aim and fired off several rounds, relieved to hear the injured howl as the silver bullets pierced its hide. The wolf released the shotgun and turned red glowing eyes towards Sam before leaping forward into the river.

“Holy shit,” Sam breathed as he watched the thing’s body round out and stretch into a long tale. Glancing towards Cas and seeing that he was pushing himself up, Sam ran forward, pulling the dart gun from his thigh holster.

“Gotcha,” he hissed when he saw the dart sink into the black hide of the now whale-looking animal before it swam out of view.

He rushed back towards the bank where Cas was on his hands and knees heaving up a stomach full of river water.

Keeping an eye on the water, Sam helped him to his feet, running a critical eye over his injuries. Whereas Sam had gotten wet up to his thighs, Cas had been fully submerged and was already starting to tremble. Several gashes were on his arms, torso, and legs from where the wolf had clawed him while trying to gain a foothold. He couldn’t be sure, but he imagined they were similar to the marks Kim’s father had received. He looked at Cas’ eyes, trying to determine how lucid he was.

“Are you ok?”

The narrow glare he received told him that he was indeed quite lucid.

“That was painful.”

Sam winced at hearing the rough scratchiness of his voice. “Can you make it back?” he asked, even though he knew they had no choice. There was no way he could leave Cas out here alone to defend himself. He wrapped an arm around his waist, loosening his grip when Cas hissed, and helped him up the river bank.

The walk back was long and strenuous. They were past due for arriving back, but he knew Dean wouldn’t leave the lodge unprotected. Sam just hoped that he’d be watching for them.

By now, Cas was leaning more heavily against him, stumbling every few steps. Cas was full-on shaking, but Sam wasn’t sure if it was from the icy water and cool temperature or shock. They had stopped for him to throw up again, more dry-heaving than river water. Sam was beginning to think it would be easier for Cas to just pass out so Sam could carry him the remaining way. He could feel his own energy starting to wane, but he forced himself to keep going. Just a few more yards.

He began yelling the minute he saw the back of the lodge. It wasn’t long before the dogs started barking, and he saw Dean running towards them. Only then did he allow himself to take a rest, sinking down to his knees, keeping Cas pressed close to him.

 

 

 

 

He didn’t really start to worry until they were an hour past due. Sam was a competent hunter, even when he wasn’t one hundred percent. And Cas may not make the best decisions, but he could always hold his own in a fight. But a delay of this long could only mean that something happened, and Dean couldn’t help but worry. He was anxious and pacing around the property, watching for any sign of them. He wanted so badly to go out there, but they had all agreed that one person needed to remain at the lodge.

Kuma came up beside him, a low whine in her throat. Dean scanned the area again. Both dogs were usually pretty calm and didn’t bark or run off at every little critter that might scamper across the property. Kuma let out a bark, but she didn’t move from Dean’s side.

Dean flipped off the safety and tried not to think of what might have gotten past Sam and Cas. He heard a shout and immediately took off in that direction. He would always know his baby brother’s voice. He saw them stumbling across the field. It was difficult to tell, but it looked as if Sam was supporting Cas, although truthfully they both looked rough. That last thought was confirmed when he saw them go down to their knees.

He pushed all of his fears down and let his instincts take over. He was by Sam’s side a minute later, with Kuma dancing around his feet, barking her worry.

“Sammy, talk to me. What happened?”

“We saw it. It got the jump on Cas and knocked him in the river. He took on some scratches, almost drowned. The cold water and everything,” Sam took a heaving breath.

“Easy,” Dean told him. “I got it. Take a breath. Did you get it?”

Sam shook his head. “I got a couple of shots off, enough to get it to leave Cas alone but I don’t think I killed it. I did get the tracking dart in it before it swam off.”

“So what was it?” Dean asked, wrapping an arm around Cas and helping him to his feet. “I gotcha,” he murmured softly as he tried to get Cas to loosen up and lean on him.

“Hell if I know,” Sam answered, getting to his feet as well. “Some wolf whale hybrid thing but it turned fully into a killer whale as it swam away.”

Dean gaped at him, a doubtful look crossing his features.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Sam grumbled. “I may be a bit winded, but I know what I saw. Cas was pretty much dead weight for most of the hike back. I just needed a minute to catch my breath, but I know what I saw.”

“Ok,” Dean nodded. They would sort out the details once they got back to the lodge. Sam wasn’t kidding about Cas being dead weight. The slightly smaller man was making an effort to try to stay upright, but he was only making it harder for them. Dean reached forward and swept Cas up in his arms, holding him tight when he pushed against him. “Stop fighting me. I need to get you and Sam back to the house. You with me, Sam?”

“Right behind you.”

Thankfully, Sam was sounding better and keeping pace with him. Dean shifted his focus to the man in his arms. He could feel little shivers running through his body and tried to press him closer for warmth.

Chloe and Kim came running towards them. “What can we do?” Chloe asked.

“Get a warm bath started and the first aid kit out,” Dean told them. “Kim, Sam says this thing swam off, but keep the dogs inside and the doors locked. Make sure you can get to a weapon quick.”

The girls nodded and took off back to the house.

“As soon we get inside, I’ll bring up the tracking info. I saw it go in,” Sam reminded him.

“I believe you,” he assured him.

 

 

Dean was feeling a bit winded himself after getting Cas up the stairs and into the bathroom. He sent Sam off to get his own warm shower before doing anything else. Sam had started to get his second wind, and Dean wanted to make sure he didn’t overdo it. He was practically vibrating, wanting to get the tracking device activated and help care for Cas.

“Ok, buddy. We need to get you out of these wet clothes and into that warm bath. I promise you’ll feel better.”

Cas wasn’t talking but he gave a slight nod and started fumbling with the shirt buttons. Dean nudged his hands away and deftly started peeling off the soggy garments.

“Stay with me, Cas,” he said when he started to sway slightly. It was harder getting the wet jeans off, but they managed with Cas bracing himself against the bathroom counter. He looked over the scratches and was relieved to note that that they weren’t deep enough to need stitches. All of the other scrapes and bruises were minor and could wait until Cas got warmed up.

“In you go.” Dean placed a steadying hand on his shoulder and led him over to the tub, standing by until Cas was fully seated in the water.

“It stings,” he hissed.

“Yeah, it’ll ease up in a minute. You just sit there and I’ll be right back.” The tub wasn’t large enough for Cas to sink under the water, and the guy seemed alert enough that Dean felt comfortable leaving him to go check on Sam. He left the bathroom door open, just in case, though.

Sam was already out of the shower and into a clean set of clothes. “Cas ok?”

“So far. The cuts don’t look too deep, but he looks like he got pummeled.”

“Yeah,” Sam nodded. “We were up near the inlet and the whole river bank is rocky. This thing just came at him, knocked him flat on his back and under the water. He puked up a good amount of river water.”

He took a good look at Sam, looking for anything that he might have missed. He could hear it in his voice even if he couldn’t see it. “You did good, Sammy, getting the dart in this thing, getting Cas back. Take a breather for a while.”

“I’m fine, Dean. I’m going to go activate this device so we’ll know where this thing is. It’s got the advantage of knowing the terrain, and I don’t want to fly blind anymore.”

He knew Sam was right, but he was still worried. His brother did everything right, but Dean could see the nervous energy coming off of him. “Did anything else happen out there?”

“No. Just what I told you. Why?”

“Because I know you, and I can tell something’s up.”

Sam hesitated and then rubbed his hand across his face. “I thought I was going to lose him. And it hit me that all the times he’s come back, he might not this time because he’s human.”

Dean bit back a sigh. His heart burned that Sam was still so afraid of losing someone and that it could have been Cas. He had his own feelings about that but now wasn’t the time to dwell on it. “You did good,” he told him again. “Go ahead and get that device online and then get something to eat and then sack out. I can handle Cas, and I’m going to need you sharp if anything comes up.”

He was relieved when Sam nodded and headed for the stairs. The sooner he got those tasks done, the sooner he could get some rest. He turned and went back to the bathroom.

He stepped back through the doorway and saw that Cas had fallen asleep with his head resting on the back ledge of the tub. He took advantage of this unguarded moment to take a really good look at his friend. The scratches weren’t too deep but would definitely need a thorough cleaning. A small amount of bruising was starting to appear on his side and from what Sam had told him, Dean was sure that there was going to be more on his back. He knew that Cas hadn’t been eating or sleeping much since going on this hunt, and guilt crept up on him as he began to wonder if he would have fared better in the attack if he had been in better shape. Possibly the blame laid within himself for even allowing Cas to hunt in this condition.

He reached out and laid a hand on his shoulder to see if he was warmer. He had just decided that the warm bath had done the job when Cas jerked awake and started thrashing about. In a fit of panic, he grabbed Dean’s arm and yanked him forward.

“Cas!” Dean barked, ducking as Cas swung out at him, fighting against him all the while holding onto him. Water splashed over him as he struggled to break free and put some distance between them. “Cas, calm the hell down! It’s me. You’re safe. You and Sammy are back at the lodge.” With a quick jerk, Dean pulled free and fell back a couple of steps. Even in his diminished state, Cas was still quite strong.

Dean waited to see what he would do and breathed a sigh of relief when he could see the clarity returning to his eyes.

“Dean,” he croaked.

“Yeah, it’s me. You with me?”

Cas gave a slow nod as he looked around and appeared to take stock of his situation.

“I’m going to check your temperature, ok? Just want to make sure you’ve warmed up.”

Cas watched him with wary eyes but allowed Dean to approach.

“Well, you’re not as cold as you were, and you’re not shaking anymore. How do you feel?”

“Awful,” he groaned, surprisingly honest.

“Yeah, that’s pretty much the norm when a monster gets the jump on you. You’re still pretty dirty. Think you can get on your feet and get a shower? Once you wash off the rest of that mud, I can clean up those scratches.”

Cas looked down as if just now realizing that he was sitting in a bathtub. Dean could almost physically feel the withdrawal as much as if Cas had stood up and walked out of the room. Bracing his hands on each side of the tub, Cas tried to push himself up, his legs buckling a bit while his hand scrabbled against the tile.

“Easy,” Dean cautioned. He reached out and wrapped a steadying arm around his waist. “Here, sit on the edge of the tub, and we’ll do it this way.”

Cas followed his directions, and Dean cleared his mind of everything but the task at hand. He wasn’t thinking of how surreal it was to have Cas completely naked and injured in front of him. He wasn’t going to question the fact that Cas was meek and doing exactly as Dean told him. He pulled the drain plug and set about filling the tub with clean water. He made the water a little warmer this time when he noticed that Cas was starting to shiver a bit.

“Go ahead and sit back down in the water.” He handed him a washcloth and pointed to the bar of soap. “Are you up for bathing yourself?”

“Of course,” Cas replied, not looking up at Dean but instead staring down at the washcloth in his hand.

Dean debated on whether he should step outside and give him some privacy. He’d already seen everything the guy had to offer, but the task of bathing seemed to be a whole other level of intimacy. Cas didn’t seem embarrassed, though. Uncomfortable to be sure, but not from being seen in this state. And why would he? This wasn’t his body.

And that’s when it hit Dean. Cas didn’t care if Dean saw his naked flesh because it wasn’t truly his. He may be human now, but Castiel, Angel of the Lord, was so much more. And his current situation was leaving him vulnerable and exposed in other ways. Castiel had come to them in the past, battered and bloodied from battle, seeking refuge and had proudly held his head high as he practically demanded their assistance. But this newly human Castiel was at the mercy of his humanity. A wound made by an angel blade would have been much more preferable than being given a bath, Dean surmised.

“I’m going to go lay out some clothes and get the first aid kit. Yell if you need me.” He was out the door before Cas could really answer, leaving him no choice but to complete the task on his own. He pulled out the necessary clothes and grabbed the medical supplies and then changed out of his damp clothes before heading back into the bathroom.

A quick once-over confirmed that Cas had indeed managed to get all the mud off of himself and even washed his hair. Dean made quick work of getting a towel and helping him out of the tub. He provided a steadying hand when needed, but had Cas handle most of the drying off.

“Wrap the towel around your waist and follow me.” Dean led him back to the bedroom and had him lie back on the bed. “None of these look deep enough to need stitches so you lucked out there. But I do need to disinfect them and put some gauze over them.” He cleaned all the scratches and applied bandages where necessary, waiting and hoping that Cas would talk with him. He even nudged him a bit, asking if he had noticed anything that maybe Sam had missed, but Cas kept his answers short and basically repeated what Sam had said.

Cas was withdrawing even more. He used to talk about the case, if nothing else, but now he was barely responding. And Dean knew that this wouldn’t be fixed with a good night’s sleep. He couldn’t help but feel some of the panic that Sam had displayed. Cas was human now, and he could be killed on a hunt. He strongly doubted that he would make his way back from a mortal death. He also knew what it was like when Cas was lost inside himself, and while the circumstances may be different, Dean could see it happening again.

“How are you feeling, Cas?” he asked, trying again to get him to open up.

“I’m well enough.” Cas sat up and reached for the clothes that Dean had laid on the end of the bed. “I’ll join you downstairs as soon as I’ve dressed.”

Dean saw the flinch and placed a hand on his arm. “You sound like you swallowed a bucket of nails. Get some rest. Sam and I are on it tonight, and you can start fresh in the morning.”

“I’m fine,” Cas protested, pulling on his t-shirt.

Dean stood back, not wanting to force a confrontation just yet. It would be unavoidable, but first they needed to make sure that they didn’t leave themselves vulnerable to whatever the hell that thing was. “We’ll be downstairs.”

 

All eyes were on him when he entered the lounge area. He could see the fear in Chloe and Kim’s eyes and the fatigue in Sam’s. He was glad to see that Sam was taking the time to eat a sandwich and was grateful that Chloe and Kim were so attuned to their needs.

“So where are we?” he asked, giving the ladies a reassuring wink as he leaned over to see the laptop screen.

“The tracking device is activated. Here’s the window with the data and if you click here, the map comes up. This thing is out in Bristol Bay, still moving away from us. I’ve set up a proximity alarm so it if gets within a fifteen mile radius, we’ll know it.”

“And we’re sure the dart is actually in this thing?”

“Positive. I saw it go in,” Sam assured him.

“All right, so next question – what the hell is it?”

“I haven’t found much but there is some stuff out there about killer whales and wolves. I called Charlie and she’s looking into stuff on her end as well as keeping a link open on the tracking device. She’s also monitoring those other situations for us as well but has nothing new to report.”

After the aborted trial, Charlie had stepped up to help in whatever way she could. Dean had graciously accepted her offer as long as it didn’t involve any immediate danger for her. Once they had caught her up on everything that had happened, she began monitoring information on the angels as well as trying to locate Kevin.

Well, one problem at a time. “Have you ladies ever heard of anything like this?” Dean asked.

Kim shook her head. “I’ve heard some crazy stories but nothing like this. I’ve lived here for years, and we’ve never had any problems.”

“Can this be related to me?” Chloe fidgeted in her chair, her hands nervously plucking at the hem of her shirt. “Is this what you were talking about?”

“No,” he reassured her. “This is something completely new. It’s just real bad luck. But Sam and I will figure it out, and we’re not leaving until we know you’re safe.”

Chloe gave a small smile, but Dean could see that she was still afraid. He reached over and held out his hand, giving hers a slight squeeze when she took his. “Have I ever let you down?”

“No, you haven’t.” She let out a nervous little laugh along with a sigh. “You’re actually quite good at keeping your word.”

Chloe was a strong woman, but Dean could see that she was struggling to hold it together. And who could blame her? He would bet money that she was constantly thinking about the demon that killed her close friends and a few family members. He didn’t make it a habit of sleeping with victims, but Chloe had needed something from him. He could also see in her eyes, the way they lingered on him, that she wouldn’t be opposed to seeking comfort from him again. But he couldn’t do it, not this time.

“Hey Cas. How are you feeling?”

Dean glanced over when Sam spoke, his eyes coming to rest on Cas as he hovered near the stairs, not quite entering the room. Dean felt guilty but hell if he knew why. He eased his hand from Chloe’s and stuffed them into his back pockets. He had hoped that Cas would change his mind and decide to rest for a bit, but he should have known that the stubborn man wouldn’t listen.

“I’m fine,” he replied.

Dean wasn’t the only one who winced at the sound of his ravaged voice. He watched him walk over to the table, trying and failing to appear well.

“Can I get you anything?” Chloe asked. “Are you hungry?”

“Coffee, please,” he rasped.

“Tea,” Dean countered. “Decaf.”

Chloe glanced back and forth between the two men. “Tea,” Dean repeated. “Cas, sit down before you fall over.” He could feel the weight of everyone’s gaze but ignored it, keeping his gaze locked onto Cas until he relented and took a seat next to Sam.

“Ok, so we’re in a holding pattern until this thing resurfaces. That should buy us a little time to figure out what we’re dealing with.”

“Akhlut.”

Everyone turned to look at Cas. “What?” Sam asked.

“Akhlut. The creature is an akhlut.”

“Have you seen one before?”

“Not before this evening, no, but I am well versed in creatures from various cultures, Dean. Despite my current condition, I have retained most of my celestial knowledge.”

Dean cleared his throat and launched into his next question before Chloe or Kim could dwell too long on Cas’ statement. “So, what do you know about this wolf-whale hybrid?”

“There are several accounts of this creature in Inuit folklore. It is believed to be a mythical spirit, the only evidence being wolf tracks leading to the water’s edge.”

“Any idea how to kill it?”

“No. In all the accounts I’ve heard, the Akhlut didn’t interact with humans.”

“I definitely got a reaction when I hit it with the silver bullets. They were side shots, but it got the thing off Cas,” Sam told them.

Dean noticed that Cas’ cheeks reddened ever so slightly at Sam’s comment. He wanted to take it easy on the guy, but the tea seemed to be helping his throat, and so far, Cas seemed the most knowledgeable. “How did this thing get the jump on you if you can sense it?”

“I could only sense the magic that took place in that area.”

“I think you might have sensed something. It looked as if you were already picking up on it when I called out. I don’t think you would have been able to turn around so fast otherwise,” Sam said.

“Some people are sensitive to a supernatural presence,” Dean explained when he saw the wary look on Kim’s face.

“Ok,” she nodded, shooting a look at her cousin. “So what now?”

“Now we make sure we’re packing silver bullets, knives, etc. And get some sleep.”

The ladies stared at Sam. “We’re just supposed to go to sleep with that thing out there?” Chloe asked.

“Yes,” Sam replied. “The tracking device will let us know if it comes back. The dogs are inside and will most likely bark if anything comes near the lodge. And one of us will stay up on watch so the rest of us need to be well rested to relieve him.”

They didn’t seem satisfied with that answer, but the women did as asked. It wasn’t long before the dishes were put away and everyone was heading for their respective rooms.

“Cas, can you hang back a minute?” Dean asked.

“What is it you needed?” he asked once they were alone.

“Thought you might want to keep me company. It’s not like you’re going to sleep, right?” Dean knew he’d hit the mark when Cas clenched his jaw and turned away. The poor guy must be exhausted with how much he was trying to hold in.

“I appreciate your concern, but you and Sam do not need to worry. I’ve had worse injuries.”

“Humor me.” Dean moved over to the large sectional sofa and kicked back on one end. He gave Cas a pointed look and nodded to the empty seat next to him. “If you get tired, head on up to bed, but in the meantime, keep me company.”

“Once this case is over, I want to spend a couple of days here. I think the rest would be good for Sam,” Dean said once Cas was settled next to him.  
“It is beautiful here,” Cas agreed, hesitantly, as if unsure where the conversation was going.

“We’ve been so many places, but we rarely ever get to just enjoy where we are. You know, he never wanted this life, but I always drag him back in. Despite all that’s happened, I was too selfish to just let him go and be happy.” Dean didn’t know why he was telling Cas this stuff. He just felt the need to unload and knew Cas would listen. He was still feeling a bit wound up from the day’s events, and all these thoughts and feelings were bubbling just below the surface, looking for a way out.

“It’s unfortunate, but Sam would have always been a part of this life. The ties are too strong. They would have found him. Take this case for instance. You’re here because you’re worried that a woman that you saved years ago could be in danger. She is hardly connected to you, yet you fear her life is touched by yours. How much more so do you think Sam’s would have been?”

“Yeah, that didn’t really make me feel much better.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Now that we’ve found out we’re a part of the Men of Letters legacy, he seems like he’s ok with it. The plan had been to shut the gates and then he was done. But somewhere along the way, that changed and he doesn’t talk about wanting out anymore. He used to be the one talking light at the end of the tunnel, but back in that church, he was ready for it all to be over.” Dean coughed a little to clear the small lump forming in his throat. He really hadn’t planned to go down this road. Ever.

“You’re still trying to save everyone.”

Dean huffed out a laugh. Cas was still blunt and not very comforting. At least that hadn’t changed. “Well, it would be nice if I could manage to save at least one person I love. Mom and Dad are gone. Bobby. Jo. Ellen. Hell, I didn’t even get you out of Purgatory.”

He felt Cas tense up and knew that he had broached upon a taboo topic. For all the easy sharing that he had just done, it appeared that Cas still wasn’t ready to do the same.

“You know why I had to stay.”

“No, see I don’t. I’m damn tired of losing the people I care about. I don’t care if it’s selfish but I want you with me.”

Cas did look at him now, his eyes wide and searching. Dean wished he would say something, but he didn’t. He could feel the moment slipping away, could almost see Cas getting ready to throw up his shields. He held out his arm and leaned a bit towards him, careful not to touch him just yet.

“Come here.” He was definitely counting it as a win when Cas allowed himself to lean back against him, even if he was as tense as a board. “Relax,” he muttered, allowing his arm to rest lightly on his shoulders. “It’s just me.”

“We’ve never done this before.”

“No, we haven’t,” Dean agreed. “Maybe we should have.” He could feel the nerves radiating off of Cas, but he meant what he said. Keeping his distance hadn’t done him a damn bit of good, so he didn’t see much point in holding back anymore. And maybe he was taking advantage of the fact that Cas couldn’t just fly away. Or maybe, he was being exactly what the fallen angel needed.

“Dean, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

“Can you be here now?”

Cas tried to pull back a little, but Dean gave his shoulder a small squeeze, silently urging him to stay close.

“I’ll do my best,” he offered, “but in my present state, I’m not sure how useful I’ll be.”

“That’s not…”Dean sighed as he struggled to find the right words. “When I said that I needed you, I didn’t mean …. I wasn’t talking about what you can do for us.”

“I don’t understand. You were angry that I didn’t trust you or answer your prayers regarding Sam. I deeply regret my actions and how they made you feel. And now, in this diminished state, I do not have the power to correct the mistakes I’ve made.”

Dean could feel Cas’ earnest eyes upon him, and it was making what he had to say even harder. But now that the lodge was quiet and things had settled down somewhat, he was starting to really think about what Sam had said about losing Cas. They had been down this road before and each time it cut deeper. Cas was under his skin and always would be. “In some ways, maybe it is a little bit like Chloe and her husband.”

He could see the confusion on his face as Cas tried to work through what Dean was trying to tell him. “The other reason Chloe was so upset,” he explained, “was because of her feelings for him. She didn’t need him around to protect her or work the lodge. She wanted him around because of the way she felt about him. You’re a smart guy. You know this.”

“No.” Cas shook his head and moved over until he was no longer under Dean’s touch. “I refuse to be another burden that you carry.”

Dean probably would have exploded if Cas hadn’t looked so determined and miserable at the same time. He was finally having this talk, and he didn’t want to blow it so he took a minute to allow them both to calm down. “That’s not what this is about.”

“Then you would have me believe that you have romantic feelings for me, the same as Chloe had for her husband?”

He squirmed a bit at the label. Hell if he knew how to really describe how he was feeling. He and Cas didn’t fit conventional norms. He just knew that he had deep feelings for the guy and told him as much.

“And Chloe?” Cas pressed.

“We were close once. Right now she’s scared so she’s reaching out. Now are you done coming up with excuses so we can talk about this?”

“Why now?”

“When Cas? When you were hopped up on souls? Or when the Leviathan took over, and I thought you were dead? When Sam was on death’s door or when you were batshit insane? Better yet, how about when we got out of Purgatory? That didn’t work because you stayed behind, and when you did get out, you were depressed or ignoring us.”

“Exactly. So why would you even….”

“I just do,” he snapped. “I know what it feels like to not have you, and I don’t want to do that anymore.” The silence stretched between them and Dean was beginning to think this had been a colossal mistake, that it just wasn’t in Cas to do this.

“What do you want from me?”

Dean shrugged, the casual action at odds with the nerves that were currently tearing up his stomach. “I know you care about me. We just need to get on the same page and that’s going to take effort on both our parts. I need you to be willing to stay and not shut me out, no matter whatever good intentions you may have.”

Cas nodded, but Dean still wasn’t sure he got it. He held out his hand and waited for Cas to take hold. Wrapping his hand gently around his warm fingers, Dean gave a slight tug, urging the slighter man back up against his side. Talking was good, but Dean was used to expressing himself through his actions. He leaned in close and took hold of Cas’ chin, tilting it up ever so slightly. He hesitated just long enough to give Cas a chance to pull back before he brushed his lips against his.

 

Their first kiss was soft and gentle, Dean taking his time and letting Cas get used to the feel of him. He knew this wasn’t Cas’ first kiss, but his friend was far from experienced. He returned Dean’s attention with shy little pecks. It was enough. Pulling back, he rested his forehead against his. They stayed like that for awhile, resting against each other, their soft breaths the only noise in the otherwise quiet room.

“Talk to me, Cas,” Dean prodded after a few minutes.

He could certainly empathize when Cas haltingly admitted that he still had no idea as to where to even begin. Despite his insistence that Cas do so, Dean had never been a fan of talking out feelings. And if Cas was even willing to open up a little, then Dean could try to make it a bit easier on him.

“Why don’t you start by telling me exactly how you’re adjusting? I know you’re not sleeping and you barely eat.”

Cas released a slow breath and took a moment before finally sharing the details of what he had been enduring. “Most of what I eat makes my stomach hurt. If I eat just a little, it’s not so bad. I’ve slept before, but it’s different this time…more difficult.”

Dean didn’t call him on it, but he suspected he most likely suffered from nightmares, even though they never heard him. The stomach upset they could work around. He had thought going over the physical aches and pains would be the best place to start, something easy to pave the way before getting to the heavier emotional parts, but listening to Cas stutter out about the nausea and insomnia showed Dean just how taxing this had been on the former angel.

Sam had undergone similar symptoms while performing the trials so Dean felt comfortable that they could navigate these issues, and could do so in a way that wouldn’t make Cas feel more self-conscious. He and Sam had been self-sufficient for most of their lives, and neither of them took too well to having to be coddled and taken care of. He could see now that Castiel, as a former celestial being, would have an even harder time.

Dean could see that he was getting weary, the adrenaline rush from earlier having exhausted itself. “Come on,” he prodded. “You look wiped out.” He saw a flash of uncertainty cross Cas’ face at the possibility of sleep. “Here. Stretch out over there.” Dean motioned to the long part of the sectional and grabbed the quilted throw from the back of the armchair. Cas’ movements were stiff and awkward, the soreness apparently settling in.

Not wanting to push him too far tonight, Dean contented himself with covering him with the quilt and brushing his hand across his forehead and smoothing his hair back. He gave him a reassuring smile, feeling a warmth that he hadn’t felt in a very long time.


	7. Chapter 7

When Sam came to relieve him at 5am, Dean felt pretty good. Even with just a few hours of sleep, Sam appeared pretty rested and a lot more settled than he had last night. Cas was stretched out on the other half of the sectional, still asleep. Another win. All in all, he had nodded off fairly content. So of course he should have been prepared when Sam woke him only three hours later to tell him that Cas was running a low-grade fever.

Cas was against going into the village to the local clinic, as he claimed he felt as well as he always did, and the scratches did not appear to be infected. He relented, however, upon receiving a pointed glare from Dean. He wasn’t overly disagreeable, but Dean still felt as if they had lost some ground. The somewhat easy affection from the previous night had been replaced with awkward silences and nervous energy.

Sam stayed behind at the lodge with Kim while Chloe drove them down river. The friendly brunette’s presence seemed to only aggravate Castiel further so Dean was greatly relieved when she left them at the clinic to go run errands.

Dean gave Cas a sharp look before turning his attention back to the clipboard filled with medical forms. Sam had handed him a slip of paper with the basic insurance information, which left Dean to bullshit all the remaining questions since Cas didn’t have a medical history. Yet. And the patient in question was being less than helpful with his constant fidgeting.

“I still don’t believe this is necessary,” Cas told him for what had to be the fifteenth time since waking.

“Of course you don’t,” Dean muttered, trying to decide how to answer regarding stomach upset.

“You and Sam rarely seek medical help. I’ve seen both of you injured far worse than this.”

“True,” Dean answered, his attention still focused on the questionnaire. “But technically, you’re a brand new human. We have no idea if your immune system can fight off this thing. And,” he continued when Cas appeared ready to argue this point, “any person who hasn’t been sleeping or eating is vulnerable to getting sick. Makes it much easier for small things to turn into big things.”

He forged the signature at the bottom and returned the clipboard to the receptionist behind the sliding glass window. Heading back to his seat, he couldn’t help but feel a little sorry for his friend. He allowed his shoulder to bump gently against his and leaning over, he spoke in a soft voice. “I used to hate it when my dad would have to take me in. I always saw it as screwing up, that if I had done my job, we wouldn’t have to deal with hospitals, the police, social services. I don’t know if he ever knew how I felt, but Sam did. He told me that he’d be pissed if I died from macho posturing.”

“Dean….”

“I get it, Cas, especially after everything you told me last night. I promise I don’t think any less of you, but I’m going to do whatever it takes to make sure you’re safe. It’s a package deal – take it or leave it.”

“You’re insufferable.”

Dean smirked, satisfied that Cas got it. “I am, but you’d do the same for me. Hey, that’s you,” he nodded to the nurse who was currently scanning the waiting room.

“Aren’t you coming?”

“Nope. Just like we said, ok? This won’t be the first animal attack they’ve seen.”

Cas nodded, but his expression was still grim as he followed the nurse back towards the exam rooms.

Dean blew out a heavy sigh and ran his hand across his face. This thing between them was so new and fragile, despite their long history together. As glad as he was that Cas had opened up with him last night, he was fully aware that Cas was hurting more than he let on. He was still unsure of where this would lead, and there was a very good chance that Cas was going to gut him, but he did feel more hopeful than he had a week ago.

He had just closed his eyes in hope of getting a little rest when he heard a muffled shout. He sat up, eyes immediately scanning the room, trying to find the source. A moment later, Cas came bursting through the door marked ‘Authorized Personnel’ with a nurse hot on his heels.

“What is it?” he asked, crossing the room to his side, still on the lookout for any potential trouble.

“Dean, I’m ready to leave.”

“What?” he took in Cas’ wide eyes and rapid breathing and then looked around the room at the other people sitting by, calmly watching them.

“Cas?” he asked, an awful feeling forming in his stomach. “Hey, settle down and look at me. What’s going on?”

“I don’t want to be here,” he repeated, trying to move past Dean.

He moved slightly and blocked his path. “Talk to me. What happened back there?” Cas wouldn’t run from a fight so Dean felt more than positive that there wasn’t any physical threat. Taking in Cas’ panicked look and the concerned, hovering nurse, he had a pretty good idea of what happened, but not why.

“I only asked him to take a seat on the exam table so I could get his vitals,” the nurse whispered, stepping closer to Dean.

Neither he nor Sam ever really had many panic attacks, but Dean was well aware of what it looked like. His first instinct was to get Cas out of there and get him calmed down, but the fever troubled him. With his other systems still unstable, Dean didn’t want to take any chances with Cas’ health.

“Give us a minute,” he told the nurse before leading Cas to a quiet corner of the room. “Hey, I need you to trust me, ok? I really need you to get checked out. It’s important. I promise I’ll be there the whole time. If anybody tries to hurt you, I’ll kill ‘em. Swear it.”

Cas closed his eyes and took several deep breaths, but Dean could see the slight tremors running through him. When he opened them, the blue orbs still reflected fear but determination as well. Dean gave his arm a squeeze and then nodded to the nurse to indicate they were ready.

She led them to the exam room at the end of the hall and closed the door behind them. “The paperwork indicates this is a follow-up to an animal attack. Is there something else we should know?”

Cas pushed back against Dean but kept his focus on the exam table a few feet away.

“He’s been through some stuff lately, but yeah, he got attacked by a buddy’s dog on an overnight camping trip. Something spooked the dog, and he got a few scratches, woke up with a fever.”

“Is the dog current on his vaccinations?”

“Um, I’m not sure,” Dean replied. “He also fell in the river, puked up a lot of water.”

The nurse still appeared a bit wary but she went ahead and made a few notations before directing Cas towards the exam table.

“I’m right here,” he told him, gently ushering him forward. He could feel the nurse staring at them, but it didn’t matter. If he had to hold Cas’ hand through this entire visit, so be it.

She gathered her information with quick efficiency, probably concerned that Cas would try to make a run for it again. “Are there more wounds?” she asked, nodding towards the bandages on his arm.

“Yeah. On his side and legs,” Dean answered again, ignoring the pointed look he was receiving.

“All right. We’ll need to remove the dressings so we can evaluate them. Go ahead and disrobe and put this on.” She held out a paper gown, which Cas reluctantly took. “The doctor will be in shortly.”

Dean was glad when she left the room. They were already drawing attention from Cas’ earlier reaction, and Dean’s presence was only adding to the weirdness. “You doing ok?” he asked.

“I’ve been better.”

Truer words and all that. “Hey come here.” Dean pulled him into a hug and just held him for a moment. “This will be done soon,” he promised, massaging the back of his neck. He kept the hug brief, wanting Cas to have enough time to change before the doctor came in.

The doctor was courteous, but he didn’t spend time on small talk or pleasantries, which was just fine with Dean. He checked Cas over, inspected all the scratches and asked a few questions. He wrote out a few prescriptions for them to fill but decided to err on the side of caution and administered a series of shots, ranging from tetanus to starting a rabies treatment. Cas endured the poking and prodding with quiet agitation. Dean knew that his hip was going to be black and blue from all the needle marks, but he agreed with the good doc on being cautious.

Once they were done and back outside, Dean had hoped that Cas would fill him in on what had happened, but he was quiet and withdrawn. Before he had a chance to try to get him to open up, Chloe returned. And it didn’t escape him how Cas used her presence as a shield, not allowing Dean the opportunity to get him alone.

 

He knew he didn’t have much time before Dean sought him out. Sam had been waiting for them when they arrived, and while he spoke with Dean, Cas took that opportunity to head up to his room. He wanted to stay downstairs or walk the property line, but his body was too weary and battered to even remain upright at this point. His attack in the doctor’s office had been mild, but it was enough for Dean to get a good glimpse of how unwell he truly was. He closed his eyes, hoping for the respite of sleep, but he could only see that room with that chair. The chair where Naomi had him strapped down, torturing him into compliance. The chair where Metatron held him helpless and cut out his grace. He swallowed down a shuddering breath, his hands fisting the bed covers as he stared blindly at the ceiling. He could feel the hot burn of tears, but he would not let them fall.

He wanted the warm comfort that Dean provided. He wanted to be held like he had been last night, but it was grossly unfair to place that burden on him. Despite his words, Dean would always take on the pain of those he cared for. He had failed miserably as their guardian; he could not now ask Dean to become his.

It wasn’t long before Dean entered the room with a soft knock and a serving tray. He gave Cas the prescribed medicine and encouraged him to at least eat the toast. He sat next to him and waited until Cas had swallowed the last bite before saying anything.

“You ready to talk?”

“Not really,” he replied honestly.

Dean sighed. “This doesn’t work if you don’t talk to me.”

“It’s not that easy,” Cas ground out, wishing the urge to lie back down wasn’t so strong.

“I know. I’m not much of a talker myself, but you’re a ticking time bomb. I can’t sit back and watch that happen.”

“You shouldn’t have to fix me,” he told him. He no longer had his grace, but that didn’t mean he had to be helpless.

“This isn’t about fixing you. I told you how I feel.”

“I don’t deserve it,” he said. The emotions he had tried so hard to hold back were pushing against all his defenses.

“Who the hell does? This is the hand we were dealt. We make the most of it and move on. What you’re doing isn’t helping anyone. Get better, stronger and start fixing shit.”

The tears returned and this time he didn’t have the strength to keep them in check. Embarrassment burned through him as the hot liquid trailed down his cheeks. The look on Dean’s face was the worst of it, though. The pity was too much, and Cas looked away.

“If you don’t try, it doesn’t work,” Dean told him quietly getting up to leave.

Cas felt the slight jostle of the mattress as Dean stood up. “Don’t go,” he croaked, hating the thickness of his voice. “Please.”

And that was all it took for Dean to sit back down and wrap Cas up in the safety of his arms.

He tried to stop it, but the tears fell even harder now. Despite everything that had happened, he had never cried before, not like this. He was hot, his eyes burned and blurred, and he couldn’t catch his breath. He hated this.

“It’s better if you just let it all out, “ Dean told him.

“This is horrible,” he sniveled, his voice muffled from where his face was buried in the warmth of Dean’s chest.

“It’s really not,” he soothed. “You’ll feel better afterwards.”

Cas sincerely doubted that, but it was getting harder to hold it all back in. He choked back another sob before losing it all together with Dean’s gentle “let it go”. His first cry was loud, wet, painful and seemed to last forever. By the time he was just sniffling and hiccupping, he was exhausted.

Dean reached over and snagged a few tissues from the box on the nightstand and began cleaning his face. He wanted to object to being treated like a child, but the comfort was too soothing. He couldn’t even form a protest when Dean got him settled on the bed and then stretched out behind him, his arms holding him close as he nuzzled his neck.

“Is this ok?”

“It helps,” he murmured, fatigue making his limbs heavy.

“Good. Get some rest. I’ll be right here.”

He wanted to protest because he knew what he would see when he closed his eyes. But Dean had asked him to try so he did.

 

  
 

When Cas woke up, it was to an empty room and to the realization that several hours had passed. The overall groggy feeling made him think the painkiller that Dean had given him had something to do with his current state. He had slept so soundly that he hadn’t even realized that Dean had removed his shoes and cargo pants.

In all honesty, though, he was a little relieved to have some privacy right now. He wasn’t used to having such uncontrollable emotional reactions, and the memory of his breakdown made him feel vulnerable and exposed. He had been weathering the panic attacks as best he could, but now, Dean was trying to tap into his emotions, and he wasn’t sure how well he would do on that front.

At first, he had been a little uneasy with the physical intimacy, not sure what was expected of him, but he quickly realized that Dean was a physical person. He was fortunate to even still warrant that affection. He couldn’t forget that his past actions had hurt the hunter, and he still found it somewhat unbelievable that Dean wanted to be close to him. He certainly didn’t deserve it, but he was starting to realize that Dean needed him as well. He still had his doubts and needed to rely on Sam and Dean greatly right now, but he was going to do what he could to help ease that burden. Resolved, he got dressed and went off in search of Dean.

He found him in the kitchen with Chloe. From his view in the hallway, he could see Dean sitting at the breakfast bar while Chloe moved around, most likely preparing dinner. He should have made his presence known, but he was unsettled by the young woman. He was fairly certain that she and Dean shared a physically intimate past, but he didn’t know why that bothered him. She certainly wasn’t the only woman. He hated these overbearing emotions, and he greatly disliked the fact that he was having antagonistic feelings towards a woman that he was supposed to be helping. He was just about to enter the room when he heard Chloe ask about him.

“Cas is going to be fine,” Dean answered. “He may be looking a little rough right now, but don’t let that fool you. He’s a total badass.”

“You seem very protective of him, the same way you are with Sam,” Chloe said.

“Yeah.”

Cas backed down the hall and headed out onto the deck. Dean carried so much on his shoulders, and he knew that if he went into the kitchen, Dean would immediately start fussing over him. Needing to feel useful, he made his way down to the tool shed. With the frequent rain showers, he wanted to make sure that the wards he had put up were still holding. Each step was painful but he was glad for the physical sensation. Although he despised being limited in this human body, the discomfort was a reminder that he needed to adapt in order to be able to care for himself. With his slow gait, it took him well over an hour to finish his task. He was just putting the materials away and closing the shed door when Dean found him.

“The hell are you doing? How long have you been up?”

He sighed, wishing that not all of his interactions with his friend resulted in him worrying. “I didn’t realize that I needed to inform you of my whereabouts.” It wasn’t spoken in a hostile manner, but it still made Dean’s eyebrows arch and his features settle into a scowl.

“Well, considering the morning we’ve had, I think it’s a good idea.”

Cas nodded, conceding his point. “You’re right. I apologize. I just felt restless and needed to get some air.”

Assessing green eyes raked over him. “You doing ok?”

“I’m fine.”

Remarkably, that seemed to be enough for the hunter. He let out a small sigh that Cas probably wasn’t supposed to see, just like he most likely wasn’t supposed to see the slight slumping of his shoulders that accompanied the sigh. He wanted to do help Dean, to offer comfort in the same way that Dean did for him. He reached out but dropped his arm, unsure of how his actions would be received.

“You can touch me, Cas,” Dean told him softly.

Still unsure of himself, he reached out and wrapped his fingers around Dean’s fingers. Encouraged by the small grin Dean shot him, he reached forward and pulled him into his arms. When Dean sunk into him, Cas finally felt as if he was able to do something for his friend. He had enjoyed the comfort of Dean’s embrace quite a bit over the past twenty-four hours, but this felt a little different. There was a warm sensation burning just below the surface. He wanted to be closer to Dean, to do more than just hold him and breathe in his scent. He shifted and turned his head, rubbing his cheek against Dean’s before pressing his lips against his.

Dean had kissed him last night so he’d assumed this would be all right. Dean leaned into him, returning the affectionate gesture. Even though Cas had initiated the contact, Dean quickly took control, his tongue teasing along his lower lip until Cas relented and opened up.

He had kissed before, but it had never felt like this, so hot and so intimate. The idea of Dean tasting him shot a blast of heat through him, making him groan and try to pull Dean closer.

The hunter pulled back with a soft groan of his own. “Damn, Cas.”

He took several deep breaths to try to clear his head. Even though Dean had pulled back, he still had his arms wrapped around his waist, their bodies still pressed close together.

“That was,” he cleared his throat, “pleasant.”

Dean barked out a short laugh. “Understatement, Cas.”

He was pleased to see the easy smile. It had been too long since he’d seen Dean even remotely relaxed, and it felt good to be the reason behind it.

“Come on,” Dean said, taking a step back. “Sam’s taking the mid watch so he’s crashed out. Let’s walk the perimeter and then head up for dinner.”

The aches and pains from his injuries took a back seat to the joy he felt at being able to work beside Dean again, as an equal.


	8. Chapter 8

Dean looked over at the laptop screen as the ‘loss of signal’ alarm chimed for the third time in the past hour. The signal from the tracking dart had been fading in and out for the past three hours. A phone call to Charlie revealed that there wasn’t anything they could do beyond keeping track of the last known location should the signal die out completely.

Right now the akhlut still appeared to be near the mouth of the river, but still far enough out in the bay for Dean to not be terribly concerned.

“What was that?” Sam asked coming in to relieve him.

“Signal is all wonky, keeps going in and out. Charlie had nothing but maybe you can figure out what the hell is up.”

“Not likely,” but he still pulled the laptop towards him and began clicking away.

“You look better.” Even with the sporadic sleep schedule, Sam appeared to be well rested.

“I should. I slept for well over six hours. I didn’t come down at eleven because I knew you’d be bitching about me not getting enough sleep.”

“Damn straight.” He stood up and stretched, stifling a yawn. Between the relaxing lure of the crisp Alaskan air and the emotional drama of dealing with Cas, he was exhausted. “There’s a plate in the fridge for you, and Chloe made you a midnight snack basket. I put a fresh pot of coffee on for you as well.”

“It’s not my first mid, Dean, but thanks.” Sam was already focused on the tracking screen so Dean headed on upstairs.

A hot shower was just what he’d needed to work out the knots in his shoulders. He’d been on edge all day. He was making headway with Cas, but he still felt as if he could lose him at any moment.

The door to Cas’ room was slightly ajar, and he could see the soft glow from the lamp. Peeking his head in, he saw Cas sitting on the bed, flipping through his journal.

“Hey.” He greeted him with a soft knock before entering the room.

“Hello,” he replied. He closed the journal and placed it on the nightstand. “Anything new?”

“Nah. Software is just acting screwy. What about you? Need help changing those bandages?”

“I did it earlier when I came upstairs.”

Dean nodded. “So why aren’t you sleeping?”

“I’m not tired,” Cas shrugged.

“You didn’t take your medicine.”

“How can you know that?”

“Because I saw how it affected you, and you’d be sleepy right now.”

“I didn’t care for the side effects,” Cas growled, a hint of challenge in his voice, clearly stating that he was not about to take the pills.

“Mmm hmmm.” He picked up the pill bottles and scanned the directions. He was pretty sure that the only pill that was due was the painkiller, but he wanted to make sure. If Cas wanted to skip that one, it was fine with him. “Sometimes your body will just do what it needs to do, regardless of how you feel about it.”

Cas huffed out a little noise that made Dean smile. He wasn’t a fan of tired, emotional meltdowns either, but he figured that Cas had been well overdue for one.

“Nightmares?” he asked.

Cas nodded his head.

“Might help if you told me about them.”

“I fail to see how that would help.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Because you haven’t even tried. Sometimes problems seem bigger when you carry them by yourself. Let me help.”

Cas plucked at the blanket, his fingers tracing the stitching. “There’s much that you don’t know.”

“So lay it on me.” He walked around to the other side of the bed and sat down beside him.

“I’m not accustomed to talking about myself in this manner.”

Dean snorted. “No kidding. But what you’re doing now isn’t working.”

Cas closed his eyes and seemed to be mentally steeling himself before reopening them and looking directly at Dean. “What do you want to know?”

Dean felt a moment of apprehension. This is what he’d wanted, for Cas to be an open book, but he was honestly nervous as to what Cas would reveal. “What happened today? What was it about the clinic that had you so spooked?”

“The examination table,” he began, his tone so flat he could have been reciting a recipe. “It reminded me of the chair that Naomi used when she was fixing me. She would lock me in the chair and drill into my very being. That was how she was controlling me. That was why I couldn’t trust her when she warned us about Metatron. He did the same when he took my grace. He strapped me down and cut it out of me.”

Dean reached over and took hold of his hand, interlacing their fingers and giving them a comforting squeeze. He had no words to offer so he didn’t try.

“I wasn’t strong enough to fight her, and I killed Samandiriel. The people in that restaurant are dead because of me. It scares me to think of what would have happened if I hadn’t been able to stop in the crypt.”

“But you did stop.”

“I did then, but in Heaven, I killed you over a thousand times, repeatedly doing so until I could kill you quickly and efficiently.”

Dean resisted the powerful urge to pull away and put some distance between them. Instead he gave Cas’ hand another encouraging squeeze as he tried to process what he’d just heard. Cas was a wild animal, not easily tamed. Dean wasn’t pure. He had a dark side as well, but angels could be pretty damn cold-hearted. “You stopped when it mattered, man. You’re here now.”

“When I close my eyes, I see everything: Purgatory, the souls, what I did to the angels, what was done to me. I deserve no less.”

He wanted to pull him back into his arms and hold him until he felt safe again, but he knew he couldn’t do that. He could sense Cas’ struggle to maintain some control, and he could empathize. He was walking a fine line between comforting and coddling.

It was well after midnight, and it had been a long day for both of them. Cas may not think he was sleepy, but Dean could see the fatigue weighing him down. Sharing his inner demons probably wouldn’t help Cas sleep better but at least it gave Dean a little more insight into what was going on. “I’ma sleep here tonight.”

“Dean.” Cas pulled his hand away and was about to protest when Dean held up his recently freed hand.

“Honestly, I haven’t been sleeping that well either, and both of us are too damn tired to be worried about how we’re getting to sleep. So turn off the light and settle down.”

Cas glared at him for a moment, and then reached for the light, drawing his hand back at the last minute. Dean thought he was stubbornly refusing until he noticed how Cas wouldn’t look at him. It suddenly made sense.

“We can sleep with the light on. It’s no big deal.”

“I don’t like you seeing me like this,” he sighed. “It’s uncomfortable.”

Dean wasn’t about to ask Cas if he wanted him to go. No, he wasn’t taking that chance. And maybe it wasn’t the smartest thing to add a physical element to their already precarious relationship, but this seemed to be the only time where either of them felt good. And he would take it slow, he promised himself before leaning into his space and capturing his lips.

Dean eased into it enough that Cas had to know he was going to kiss him, but he still tensed up and jerked back a little, just enough to put some space between their lips.

“Dean?”

“Just kissing,” he whispered. “Like earlier today.” He stared into his eyes, willing him to trust him.

Cas gave a brief nod and leaned back in. He was slower, more cautious than he had been earlier that afternoon, almost submissive, allowing Dean to take the lead. It wasn’t until Dean leaned back and pulled Cas partially on top of him that Cas moved from reserved kisses to opening up fully and letting Dean in.

With Cas finally loosening up, Dean felt a little of his control slip. He pressed harder into him, holding onto the back of his neck as he deepened their kisses. He was rewarded with a throaty moan and Cas clutching at his hip as he pressed his body against his.

Sharp bursts of pleasure shot through him and he placed his free hand on Cas’ ass, holding him close as he thrust up against him. Cas pulled his mouth away, sucking in gasping breaths, his fingers digging painfully into his hip. It took every ounce of self-restraint he possessed to push gently from Cas and ease out from underneath him. He cut off Cas’ protest with another languid kiss before pulling back and resting his forehead against his.

“Slower, Cas. We need to go slower.”

“You don’t usually go slow,” he frowned, the red flush of his cheeks undermining the harshness of his accusation.

“Well, I do for you. Sometimes sex can complicate things. I want to touch you, but I don’t want us just doing this so we don’t have to deal with our other crap.”

“Ok,” Cas said and started to move over to his side of the bed.

Dean rolled his eyes. “I didn’t say no touching. Come here.” He wrapped his arm around his waist and pulled him against his chest and snuggled them together under the covers. He could feel the soft skin where Cas’ shirt had ridden up and he was so very tempted to pick up where they had left off, but he contented himself with letting his fingers dance over the warm flesh as they drifted off to sleep.

 

 

 

“Dean.”

He felt as if he’d just closed his eyes when he was pulled back into alertness. He rolled over and saw Sam standing next to him. Knowing his brother wouldn’t wake him unless there was a problem, Dean quietly slipped out of the bed, taking care not to wake Cas. He followed Sam into the hallway and pulled the bedroom door shut behind them.

“What happened?”

“The signal died. We’ve got nothing.”

“Ok,” Dean nodded. “Knew that was a possibility. Where was it?”

“It was heading upriver.”

“Dammit. Why didn’t you wake me?” he hissed, heading for the stairs.

“No need yet,” Sam tried to explain as he followed him.

“No need? The monster decides to come back and you don’t think you should wake me up?” Dean turned around to take a good look at his brother. “Did you fall asleep?”

“What? No Dean,” Sam huffed, pushing past him to walk back into the sitting room. “I’m solid.”

He looked around the room and saw all the materials that he had gathered for the hunt. “Sorry,” he muttered, ignoring Sam’s smug smile.

“It wasn’t close enough to trip the proximity alarm so I figured you could use the extra sleep.” He motioned to the map spread out on the table. “Here’s the last sighting. It can land anywhere along here and head back to its home range.”

“Any of that coffee left?” It would be a long time before he had the chance to sleep again.

They had been discussing their strategy for the better part of an hour when Sam looked up from the map. “You hear that?”

Dean looked at him and then around the room. “What?”

“Listen.” Sam cocked his head to the side.

Dean looked at Sam and then scanned the room as if he could find the source of whatever Sam was hearing. And then he heard it, a low plaintive howl. His eyes met Sam’s, and he knew they were on the same page. They had been here for days, and most of the bountiful Alaskan wildlife was giving the lodge great clearance, keeping a more respectable distance. Add to that rare wolf sightings, and they knew they were hearing the akhlut.

The baying was louder now, closer, no longer sounding like a howl but more of a scream. Dean had seen and heard many things during his lifetime, but the sounds this creature was making was causing his flesh to tingle.

If there had been any doubt it was the akhlut, it was dispelled when Koda and Kuma came bounding into the room ahead of Chloe and Kim. Both dogs were pacing restlessly, whimpering low in their throat.

“Is that it?” Chloe asked, pulling her bathrobe closed over her pajamas while Kim headed for the window. Sam got there first and gently nudged her away.

“Yeah, that’s it,” Sam answered. He slowly moved the curtain aside and peered out. “I can’t see anything.”

“Yeah, well, I’m sure it’s not a coincidence that we lost the signal, and then this thing shows up on our doorstep.”

“Are we safe?” Her voice was shaky and Dean could see that she was trembling. He wanted to reassure her, but he honestly didn’t know what this thing would do.

“Yes. You and Kim get down into the basement. Take your shotgun, and the dogs with you. Do not --”

“Dean!”

Dean whirled around already reaching for his weapon when he saw the reason behind Sam’s frantic shout and the dogs’ furious barking.

“Dammit! Get those dogs and get downstairs and lock that door. Sam, cover me!” Dean raced through the open front door, every curse word he knew rolling off his tongue. He caught up with him just as he’d started walking across the yard.

“Cas, get your ass back in the house before I shoot you myself,” he hissed, grabbing his arm and yanking him backwards. He felt his anger reach a whole new level when Cas actually shushed him and jerked his arm free. He looked back towards the porch and was relieved to see Sam had them in his sight. He peered over to the tree line where he could hear the low snarl of the beast as it moved among the brush.

“Cas, we need to go now. You can either move on your own or so help me, I will knock your ass out!”

“Dean, listen.”

That’s it. He raised his arm to clip Cas across the back of the head when Cas shifted quickly and spoke, “It can’t break the wards.”

He could care less about the wards. It was still dark outside with the motion lights only illuminating a small portion of the yard. He couldn’t even see the akhlut, and he was barely armed. Out of patience, Dean sucker punched him, pulling back ever so slightly just before his fist connected with his jaw. When Cas stumbled, Dean seized the opportunity and started dragging him back towards the lodge. Thankfully, Cas wasn’t fighting him anymore.

Once they were secure back inside, Dean stepped away, needing to put some space between them. He heard Sam ask Cas if he was all right and that just set him off again.

“You stupid son of a bitch. You could have been killed. And you could have let it right in here. What the hell were you thinking?”

“That the wards would hold. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be at the edge of the property.”

“And how do you know it wasn’t just luring you out there, genius?”

“If it could break the wards, it would have done so without announcing its presence.”

“That was pretty risky, Cas.” Sam moved closer, placing himself between them. “What if they hadn’t held? What was the point of going out there?”

Cas snorted. “I may not be an angel anymore, but I am more than proficient in spells and sigils. I protected this property and yesterday I reinforced it with the creature’s name. I have done this for thousands of years. I know how to set protections, and I know how to assess threat. The akhlut was enraged. It would have come forward if it could.”

None of that made Dean feel any better. He was still so incredibly pissed at Cas for even taking that chance.

“Be that as it may,” Sam began, “we can’t fight like that, Cas. At the very least, you have to tell us what’s going on.”

Cas was silent for a moment before he nodded. “Very well. It’s gone now.”

“How do you know?” Sam returned to the window. “I still can’t see anything.”

“You may have been right when you said that I could sense some aspect of it. I did feel something earlier, but not now. Besides, it will be light soon, and it will not want to stay and give you the advantage.”

Dean rubbed his hand across his face and tried to calm down. He needed for this hunt to be over and soon. Cas had just erased that coddle-comfort line and forced Dean to step more fully into a protective role. “All right, Sammy. We need to get this plan in gear.”

Cas followed Sam back to the table with the map and was about to take a seat when Dean shook his head. “Nuh –uh. You’re sitting this one out.”

Cas frowned at him, a bit of impatience showing on his face. “Dean, I’m more than capable of helping out.”

“Yeah, well not after that little stunt you just pulled.” Hard blue eyes stared at him but he wasn’t changing his mind. Cas was way too unpredictable right now, and there was no way he could focus on this hunt and worry about him going off the rails at the same time.

“Are you trying to punish me for earlier?”

“No. You’re injured and your judgment sucks. I have enough to worry about without having to baby-sit you.”

“Hey, Dean. Ease up a little. I think Cas is ok for this one,” Sam jumped in, his eyes asking that he back off.

“Well, you’re wrong. He’s not ok.”

“Dean.”

“No, Sam. You don’t know everything.” Dean knew the moment the words left his mouth that Cas would consider it a betrayal of confidences shared, but he couldn’t worry about that now. The hunt had to be his first priority.

“If you think I’m such a liability, then why am I here?”

“Ask him,” Dean nodded towards Sam.

Cas narrowed his gaze but didn’t take it off of Dean. “Since I’m not needed, I’ll be in my room.”

Dean watched him go, his anger still simmering below the surface but now mixed with regret.

“That was a little harsh,” Sam chastised.

“Dude, you were the one on me to reach out before he went postal. And now when he does something off the rails, you want to look the other way,” he snapped. “Look that thing is out there, and we need a game plan. We’ll deal with Cas later.”

“All right,” Sam agreed in a tone that Dean knew meant that they would be talking about this later. “Charlie should be up. I’ll give her a call while you let the ladies out.”


	9. Chapter 9

It was almost noon, and Sam couldn’t help but feel as if they were missing something. He could tell that Dean felt the same way, but was also unable to pinpoint exactly what was bothering him. The earlier fight with Cas wasn’t helping their focus, either.

They were planning to head out after lunch, hoping to find the akhlut near the spot where Cas had been attacked. By leaving the protected zone, the lodge and its inhabitants would be safe.

Personally, he thought it would help Dean’s focus if he talked to Cas before they left, but he stubbornly refused, claiming that Cas would understand and most likely make the same call if their roles were reversed. And that was possible. Cas didn’t always exude empathy when making decisions, so he could very well understand where Dean was coming from, but Sam highly doubted it.

Unsure of what they would be facing, Sam wanted to at least speak with Cas before they left to ensure that he knew what was going on. If anything happened, it would be up to him to protect Kim and Chloe. He knocked softly on the closed bedroom door. “Cas, it’s Sam. Can I come in?” After a few seconds, he heard a muffled ‘of course.’

Cas was sitting on the bed, back pressed up against the headboard, his journal spread out in his lap.

“You doing ok?”

Cas shot him a look but didn’t bother answering. He closed the journal and looked at Sam expectantly.

“All right then.” He walked over and sat on the foot of the bed. “Look, I don’t know what’s going on with you and Dean, but we’re heading out soon, and I’m a little concerned that his head is not in the game.”

“Wait. Heading out- you’re leaving?” Cas sat up, leaning forward.

“Well, yeah. We’re on a hunt. Regardless of the wards, we can’t let this thing continue to roam free.”

“I strongly recommend that you do not hunt this creature on its home turf.”

Sam would have pointed out that he and Dean were more than capable of hunting this thing down, but Cas appeared to be genuinely concerned. “Why don’t you come on downstairs, and we can go over everything one last time?”

He waited, watching the flash of indecision on his features.

“What would that accomplish?” he asked, leaning dejectedly back against the headboard.

“It would help, and you know it. Dean’s just wound up. He’ll come around like he always does.”

Cas nodded and followed him to the door, but Sam could see that he was still wary, a fact reinforced when he called out, “Sam. Wait a minute. I heard you earlier. Did you ask Dean to speak with me?”

Sam sighed. Caught in the middle between his brother and the angel was not where he wanted to be. “Yeah, I did. We were worried, and I knew Dean had a better chance of connecting with you. But you know my brother. You can’t force him to do anything when it comes to his feelings.”

Cas didn’t look as if he believed him, but he did accept the words and followed Sam back downstairs.

Dean looked up from his conversation with Chloe when they entered the room. “Give us a minute?” he asked with his customary charming smile and wink.

Chloe glanced over at them before returning Dean’s smile. “Of course.”

Sam chanced a look over at Cas and wasn’t surprised to see his pinched expression and his hand twitching nervously by his side.

“What’s up?” Dean asked, his easy-going demeanor having left with the young brunette.

“Since Cas is the last line of defense here, I thought we should catch him up on what’s going on before we head out.” Well, that was mostly the truth. Even though he hadn’t encountered this creature before, Sam was beginning to think that Cas’ expertise could be useful in this situation. He also knew that his brother was stubborn enough to not listen if told this directly.

“Fine. Get him up to speed.” Dean took a seat in one of the chairs, and sprawled back, waiting and watching.

Sam resisted rolling his eyes and motioned Cas over to the table and pointed to a location on the map. “We’re going to head back out to this area here. It got the jump on us once; it might think it can do it again. We’ll be ready for it this time, though.”

Cas looked at Sam, his expression clearly asking ‘that’s it?’ “What weapons have you packed?”

“The usual,” Sam answered with a shrug. “Since we don’t know how to actually kill it, we packed a bit of everything. We know silver bullets will wound it so that’s what we’re carrying. Silver knives. Salt. Holy water.”

“Fire?”

“Yeah, we have gasoline and lighters and matches.”

“It’s the same crap we always carry,” Dean broke in. “Are we done?”

“Not materials to burn the body, but some weapon that will allow you to use fire,” Cas elaborated, completely ignoring Dean.

“Why?” Sam questioned. “For not knowing for sure what works, that’s pretty specific.”

“It’s a logical assumption. This animal is indigenous to cold climates. It just spent the past couple of days recuperating in frigid waters. Even if fire does not kill the akhlut, it stands to reason that extreme heat may make it uncomfortable.”

He had a point. “Maybe we can make a flame-thrower,” he wondered aloud.

“It’s not like we can carry an entire arsenal out there on our backs, Sam,” Dean argued, standing up and coming over to the table. “We’ll lose whatever advantage we have if we’re weighed down with heavy artillery.”

“True,” Cas agreed, “which is why you should fight it here.”

“No.”

“Dean…”

“I said no. We are not risking their lives by bringing it here.”

“So you will risk yours out there?”

“That’s the job, Cas. This isn’t our first rodeo. We’ve done this maybe once or twice.”

“All right, hold up,” Sam jumped in before either of them could get really started. “I gotta say I’m with Dean on this one, Cas. We can’t risk Kim and Chloe’s lives by letting it in here.”

“You can if you contain the area,” Cas argued. “I heard you last night when you mentioned the signal loss and then the akhlut showing up here. It is a smart creature, driven by more than just animal instinct. It can utilize both the land and the water, leaving you at a distinct disadvantage. If you go out there, you will be the ones being hunted.”

“If we break one of the wards along the tree line, that will allow it entry onto the lodge property, giving it one point of entry. If we ward the house, then the girls will still be safe,” Sam suggested.

Cas nodded along but pointed to a different location on the map. “I would suggest breaking one of the wards that we have here along the dock and allow it to enter by water. Most shape shifters are vulnerable to a certain degree when shifting and that might buy you some time. Also, if you could set up a fire line along here, once it comes out of the water, if you can light it, you’ll be able to bar his exit back out through the water. It will not be easy, though, as there are plenty of buildings and trees, but it should be significantly easier than hunting it in the wild.”

“That could work. Dean, what do you think?” It was a solid plan, as good as the one they already had so he really wasn’t expecting the furious expression on his brother’s face. This went beyond a disagreement about Cas…oh. Sam could have kicked himself for not seeing it earlier. His brother didn’t just want the hunt away from the girls. And as helpful as Cas was being right now, it wasn’t enough for Dean to change his mind.

“I say we stick to the original plan.”

“I think this one is better,” Sam countered before turning to Cas. “But we’ll still need you to be the last line of defense. If something happens to us or if this thing gets past us, we need you here on the inside. Kim is a good shot, but she’s never faced anything like this before.”

Cas nodded, clearly unhappy at still being sidelined. Beside him, Sam could see that Dean was no longer squaring off for a fight. In fact, he seemed pretty mellow, which was the fastest mood change Sam had ever seen his brother undergo. But if it meant a truce had been called, and they could finish up this hunt, he would take it, and those two could sort out their issues later.

 

 

The rain started falling in the early afternoon. With the forecast calling for scattered showers over the next several days, they decided to move forward with their plan, confident that the wet weather wouldn’t have any negative impacts. Cas had been fairly certain that the akhlut would sense the trap, so they had to make the opportunity too appealing to pass up. They didn’t think the creature could sense Sam’s compromised health, but it would certainly recognize the man that had filled it full of silver bullets.

The plan was for Sam to lie in wait, hidden in the trees just beyond the shoreline, and once it came on land, he would quickly light the fire wall and then sprint across the yard as if going for the house. Once the akhlut was in pursuit across the yard, Dean would have a clear shot. In theory it was a pretty good plan.

Dean was getting restless in his position on the roof of the cabin situated midway between the lodge and the shore line. The location of the cabin provided him with an optimal firing location once Sam got the akhlut on the move. He wasn’t happy about that part, but his brother had insisted on being the one to lure him out. If the plan didn’t work this time, it was likely that they wouldn’t get the upper hand again.

Cas had been dead on when he indicated how intelligent this thing was. Even with one of the wards broken, it wasn’t coming ashore. From his rooftop position, Dean could see it swimming a few feet off shore, watching and waiting. He whistled and nodded towards the river. Sam nodded back and settled back into his position to wait.

Another hour passed and the rain was coming down at a steady clip at this point. The damn akhlut was still lazily swimming back and forth, waiting them out. Clearly it was at home in the water, and it wasn’t coming out until it was good and ready. Apparently, Sam had come to the same conclusion as he signaled to Dean that he was leaving his position. Dean shook his head, but readjusted his grip on his rifle and double-checked his safety when Sam ignored his gestures and still headed out towards where they had laid out the fire line. By now the rain had turned all their materials into a soggy mess, and Sam started pouring more gasoline onto the drenched wood and brush.

It was just the opening that the akhlut wanted. Dean saw it swimming towards the shore. He whistled to Sam to give him the heads up to start moving. Sam gave a nod, indicating that he heard him. He started edging backwards, the box of matches in his hand.

Dean wasn’t prepared for how fast it sprang from the water. He honestly froze for a couple of seconds as he took in its appearance. He had been expecting to see a wolf shape start emerging from the water, not a creature walking around that was a hybrid of both a wolf and whale. So much for that vulnerability while shifting. He let loose a quick series of whistles, but thankfully, Sam was already on his feet and stepping towards the lodge. He was throwing down matches but none of them were catching. Dean could hear his loud curses as he struggled to get the fire lit.

“Sam! Go!” Dean shouted.

He took off, but they were both moving too fast for Dean to get a clear shot. He fired off a few rounds to buy Sam enough time to get to the safety of the lodge, but without the fire wall, there was nothing to stop the akhlut from returning to the river.

Firing off a couple more rounds, he moved over towards the ledge. Once Sam was safely behind the warded walls of the lodge, he could take over sniper duties from an upstairs window while Dean attempted to get the fire lit. It wasn’t ideal as he wouldn’t have the range of motion that Dean had while on top of the cabin, but it was the best they had as far as back-up plans. Securing the rifle in one hand, he dropped down and let out a loud cry as he slipped on the rain-slicked surface and his ankle cracked and twisted out from underneath him.

Pain seared up through his leg, causing his vision to blur and nausea to well up. He sucked in a few quick breaths and shook his head, trying to focus. He tried to stand, but the pain had him buckling under the minute he put pressure on his leg.

“Dammit,” he hissed, leaning against the cabin wall for support. He had landed on the far side, closest to the water, and completely obscured from view of the lodge. Unless Sam was able to get a clear shot and right now, Dean had no cover. He thought about trying to break into the locked cabin, but since it wasn’t warded, it wouldn’t do him any good. No, his best chance was to try to get the fire started and then get onto the other side of the fire line and hope that Sam was able to get a shot.

Biting his lip to keep from crying out, Dean hobbled out from the shelter of the cabin and started making his way across the yard. He didn’t dare take the time to look behind him, trusting that Sam had him covered. He’d only gone ten feet and knew that he wasn’t going to make it. It was too far away and he was moving too slow. He would have to try to make it back to the cabin and try to get the wards up.

He heard the first shot ring out and pushed himself those last few steps, throwing himself against the cabin wall, shooting the lock off the door. Once inside, he shut the door and dropped to his knees, crawling towards the small shelf. Using his shoulders, he scrabbled and pushed the shelf in front of the door, barricading it as much as possible. He then crawled to the far wall and pulled out his knife, ready to make the cut to draw the sigil. Before he could do it, the akhlut came crashing through the side window, landing firmly inside the cabin. Having set the rifle down to wield the knife, Dean only had the blade. He took up a defensive position, the only one his ankle would allow, but the creature swiped at him with its large paw, scratching up his forearm and causing Dean to drop the knife. With nothing else to shield himself, he put his arms up, hoping to ward off the worst of the attack until Sam could make it down from the lodge.

Before the akhlut could deliver another blow, glass fell from the window as Cas came diving through, leaping on top of the akhlut. The weight of Cas and the akhlut all came crashing down on top of Dean, knocking the wind out of him and pinning him to the floor. It all happened so fast, and while he was trying to take advantage of Cas’ surprise entrance and reach for his rifle, he was unable to move underneath all the weight.

The akhlut wasn’t moving either. Before he could fully register what was happening, he heard Sam shouting his name and slamming against the cabin door. The door pushed open, the shelf dragging across the floor, and Sam came bursting through, wild-eyed with his pistol drawn.

In that moment, some of the pressure on him eased up, and Dean was able to see what had happened. Cas’ chest was covered in blood, and he was kneeling next to where the akhlut laid, the angel blade sticking out of its chest.


	10. Chapter 10

Dean shifted restlessly on the soft bed, torn between boredom and wanting to get up and the pain in his ankle demanding he stay put. The pain won out.

He’d awoken an hour ago, worn out from his trip from the hospital. He remembered Sam helping him into the small cabin, explaining that it would be easier than trying to get up to the lodge. In all honesty, that was about all he recalled of the past couple of days. Once Sam had seen the extent of the damage to his ankle, he had immediately insisted on getting him medical attention. Between the pain and the drugs, the rest of it was a blur.

He was wondering how far he’d get without crutches when Sam came through the cabin door followed by Chloe and Kim.

“Hey, how are you feeling?”

“Like the damn monster tried to gnaw off my foot,” he grumbled. He watched the door and waited to see if anyone else was coming. He saw Sam give a slight shake of his head and forced out a smile to cover his embarrassment. “So, what’s all this?”

Chloe stood up and closed the door of the mini fridge. “Just stocking you up with some sandwiches and drinks in case you get hungry before we bring your meals.” She perched on the side on the bed next to Dean and reached out and took hold of his hand. “I don’t know how I can ever repay you for everything you’ve done for me.”

He squeezed her hand. Her eyes would always reflect what she had experienced, but at least the constant worry and fear were gone. “Live your life,” he told her. “That’s why we do this. It’s the only payment we want.”

“We can do that,” Kim promised. “And thanks to you, I can tell my dad that it’s finally over. When he comes home, everything will be back to normal.”

“As much as it can be,” Chloe breathed.

“True,” Sam agreed. “You don’t ever forget, but you’re on the right track.”

“And on that note, we need to get moving if we’re going to meet the plane. Are you coming?” Kim asked Sam.

“Yeah. Just give me a minute.” The ladies smiled out a quick good-bye and left the brothers alone.

Dean arched a brow and waited for Sam to elaborate.

Sam gave a sheepish shrug. “One of the other lodges overbooked so the travel agent called and asked if they were taking guests. Looks like they’ll still be able to salvage the season.”

“And you’re…?” he prompted.

Sam flushed slightly. “Since we’ll be here a few days while you and Cas heal up, I figured I’d help out until they can hire someone on.”

“And I’m sure Kim asked you ever so nicely,” he smirked.

“Shut up,” Sam groaned, his face brightening even more. “It’s not like that.”

“Hey, I didn’t say anything.”

“You didn’t have to, you jerk. Seriously, though, are you going to be ok if I’m not around?”

“Of course. Would help if I had some crutches though,” he said, pointing to his wrapped ankle.

“Yeah. They’re actually right outside the door.”

“What they hell are they doing out there?”

“You know how you are, Dean. I thought you might stay put if you didn’t have a way to get around, and the doctor said this was a pretty bad ligament tear. You need to stay off of it.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “And how was I supposed to get to the bathroom, genius?”

“Fine, I’ll bring them in,” Sam scowled. He retrieved the crutches and placed them near the bed within Dean’s reach.

“So,” he began, picking at the bandage on his forearm. “How’s Cas doing?”

Sam sighed and sat down on the bed where Chloe had previously been. “Physically, he’s healing. The glass from the window didn’t cut him up too much. He was pretty achy overall but is doing his best to hide it from me. Mentally, probably not so good. He avoids me as much as he can and keeps to himself.”

It hurt hearing that they were right back where they started. Yes, he had been hard on the guy, but the dude was breakable now, and he just didn’t seem to be grasping that fact. And Dean wasn’t sure that he had the energy to keep doing this.

“Hey, if you were able to reach him once, you’ll be able to do it again. He wouldn’t have responded if he didn’t need you as well,” Sam reasoned.

“Maybe,” Dean forced out another smile. “What about you? Did it help?” There were some obvious signs. Sam appeared well-rested and his stamina had increased. He also appeared less anxious so Dean was in agreement that working a case had been good for him. Saving Chloe and Kim was what they had set out to do, the goal they had when coming to Alaska. Now that they had accomplished that goal, Dean was hopeful that maybe Sam was more at peace with their current situation.

“It did. I mean, it felt good to help them. I know I seemed a bit neurotic to you when I insisted we do this, and I do understand the limitations we face. I don’t know. I guess I felt like we needed to start tipping the scales back in our favor, and we couldn’t just wait around for a perfect time to do so.”

“Yeah, I get that. And I guess it doesn’t hurt that you’re a little sweet on Kim as well.”

“Ok, I’m leaving now,” Sam huffed, but Dean could tell he wasn’t really upset.

“Have fun, Sammy.”

He hesitated by the door. “Are you sure you’ll be all right?”

“Dude, will you just go?”

“Going,” Sam called out, one foot already out the door.

Well, one down and one to go.

 

  
 

It wasn’t even dinnertime, and Dean was starting to go stir crazy. After being in a drug-induced haze for the past two days, he had no intention of taking the strong painkillers, instead opting to take a double dose of Motrin. After checking out the pitiful movie collection on his way back from the bathroom, he gave up on the hope that he could spend the afternoon watching the small television. And with the way Sam was looking at Kim, he doubted his brother would be back any time soon to check on him, which left Chloe and Cas. He knew whom he wanted to see; he just wasn’t sure it would happen. When he had his wings, Cas disappeared all the time. He may not be able to fly away now, but he could still apparently keep his distance.

He had hobbled halfway across the room towards the door when it suddenly swung open and Cas was on the other side. He looked just as surprised to see Dean as Dean was to see him.

“You’re not supposed to be up.”

“Yeah well. I wouldn’t be if you weren’t avoiding me.” Anger and relief pushed through him. He was so pissed at Cas for pulling another disappearing act, but he couldn’t deny the warmth the spread through him at seeing him up and around. Sam was right, though. He looked like hell. The cuts from the glass window were still raw and red and contrasted greatly against the dark bags underneath his eyes.

Cas glared at him. “Well, I’m here now so get back in bed.” He dropped their duffle bags in the corner of the room.

Dean gaped at him. Nothing for the past two days and now Cas was here and bossing him around like nothing happened. “Dude, what the hell are you playing at?”

“If I ask nicely, will you please get off your feet?”

Dean really wanted to keep standing out of sheer spite, but the tops of the crutches were digging into his armpits and his leg was throbbing. Motrin could only go so far.

He limped back to the bed and dropped down on the side. He held his crutches out and Cas took them and leaned them up against the wall.

“So, why are you here now after the big no show?” he asked, settling himself back up on the pillows.

Cas shrugged, his eyes looking everywhere but at Dean. “Just thought I should check on you.”

“Nice of you.” It was hard to keep the sarcasm from his voice. He had taken that first step and reached out, opening himself up to Cas. He thought that they were past this point, but he was beginning to wonder if they would ever see eye to eye.

Cas took a seat on the opposite bed, his hands clasped together. “I’m here now, Dean.”

“Nuh-uh,” he shook his head. “Not good enough. Not anymore.”

Cas dropped his head. “I didn’t know how to face you.”

“Really? And here I thought you would be first in line to say I told you so and expecting a thank you for saving my life,” he mocked. Of course he was grateful, but his own insecurities and hurts were demanding to be acknowledged as well.

“You almost died,” he snapped. “I’m trying to handle these emotions, but I feel so much. I can’t…I don’t…,” he trailed off, clenching his hands in frustration as he struggled with finding the words. “I was in a bad place, Dean, and I needed time to try to sort it out.”

“So after everything we’ve talked about, you thought the best thing was to just disappear on me?”

“After what happened, I didn’t trust myself.”

“What? To hold it together? So you shed a few tears. Big deal. Who hasn’t?”

“The nightmares were so real. Instead of the akhlut, I would be standing over you, just like before. I couldn’t be near you until I knew I could tell the difference.”

“Why didn’t you go to Sam?”

“He needed to be with you. I just needed some time, Dean. I’m all right now.”

“No, you’re not. Stuff like this just doesn’t go away. And did you even think about how I’d feel?”

“Of course I did. I was trying to protect you.”

Dean just looked at him and could see the moment Cas got it. He watched the defiance drain out of him as his shoulders slumped and he seemed to fold in on himself.

“I just knew that if I came to you, it would be all about fixing me, and this time you needed help. Hear me out,” he held out his hand when Dean opened his mouth to argue. “They almost had to perform surgery on your ankle. Still might if you don’t stay off it. I told you that I would not be just a burden to you. You cannot expect me not to try to help you as well.”

Cas was a lot more broken than he was, though, not that Dean would ever tell him so. Deep down, he was sure Cas already knew. But he was right. Dean would have put him first over his own health. “Ok, I get what you’re saying. I’ve done the same thing. But pulling away from me right now with where we’re at, it’s not a good thing.”

Cas lifted his head and Dean could see traces of moisture starting to pool in his eyes. “I’m not sure what else to do.”

They were so close. They had covered so much ground, and Dean was not about to lose that. “Come here.” He patted the space on the bed next to him. Cas stretched out beside him, close but still keeping a little space between them. But Dean wasn’t having that. He scooted over, closing the distance between them.

“How about we make a deal, hmm? If I promise to take care of myself and accept help, will you promise to come to me when you need help? And,” he continued quickly before Cas could answer, “you and Sam are going through way more shit than I am right now so it only makes sense that you might need more help. Nothing wrong with that.”

“I always disappoint you.”

“Not always.”

“I’m so tired of these damn tears,” he muttered as he swiped a fist across his eyes.

“It’ll get easier,” Dean promised, pressing soft kisses to his tear-stained cheeks. “Do we have a deal?”

“Deal,” Cas whispered. Damp blue eyes looked up into green ones.

In that moment, staring into his eyes, Dean felt as if he could see everything that Castiel had been holding in, all the pain and anguish along with frustration and anger. He felt as if he was finally breaching that last barrier, and they could move forward and reclaim what they had lost. He felt as if they were finally starting to heal.


End file.
